Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just had a monster workout. (Bench pressed with Frankenstein then ran a 5K with an goblin.)

   My new 401k is just a pre-loaded gift card for Olde Country Buffet.. "Pretty smart, going with a buffet-style retirement plan" said my Schwab investment advisor.

   why is it the guy who has to pass you, suddenly acts like an 80yr old looking for an address when he's in front of you?

   What I just did to that bathroom was so tragic, that when I walked out a Native American looked at me... and a single tear rolled down his cheek.

   I said to my GF "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!

   Dont make fun of fat kids... they have enough on their plate.

   Just remember - there's no 'I' in gangbang

   jdpower: Making girls who aren't like that.. like that.

   Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.

   Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you

   I've learned sooo much from my mistakes.. I'm thinking of making some more

   If you were getting sexts from someone you're not interested in, does that mean you got molexted? Or is it textual harassment??

   I need an app that just screams "Put the phone down and go do something, idiot!" whenever I pick my phone up.

   Say no to drugs. But if the drugs you took are talking to you, then please share them with me.

   Every time I say stop, an epic battle takes place in my head where I decide whether to follow it with "in the name of love" or "hammertime."

   the local weather: We are expecting 2 to 3 feet of drama this evening with bullshit blowing in from all directions!

   does fantasizing about the cheerleaders count as "fantasy football"?

   I'm being blackmailed by my memory foam mattress.

   i often wonder why alice cooper never stared in a horror movie

   Oh great it's Summer...that means hearing about tomatoes for 3 freakin' months!