Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never share secrets with bank employees, they're all tellers. 

   They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. I bet you 5,000$ it's on my friend Mike.

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   Glittery eyeliner makes my daddy issues sparkle.

   People who complain about the way the ball bounces probably dropped it.

   I'll be your filthy, dirty, naughty girl every day. Not you, jackass. You either. You.

   I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. I forgot it only takes like 30 seconds to pee.

   There is no difference between an idiot and an educated person when it comes to doing irational atrocities in the name of religion.

   Life sucks when a girlfriend doesn't

   I nicknamed his d!ck "The Scrambler". Because it was a two-minute ride, and I threw up on it once.

   Lucky my wife loves me and accepts me even with my super small "package". Unrelated, I wonder why that UPS truck is always at my house lately?

   They should blast the Oscar Meyer Weiner Song non-stop into Jerry Sandusky's cell for the 400yrs he's in there!!!

   I dreamed about you slowly unzipping my pants, but I know that's just a fantasy. Because I'm not wearing pants.

   Moonwalking into exam rooms is how I let patients know they are going to die.

   I wish the dollar store sold sex.

   Gay divorce proceedings - "You can have the belts, I want the shoes, we share the hair product and moisturizers. Weekend access for the dog"

   For relationship rules to work, always keep changing them and don't tell the other person what they are.

   Nothing makes a man happier than his son being on the cover of a Wheaties Box! His daughter on the cover of Business Week! His girlfriend in Playboy! And his wife on the back of a carton of Milk!!!

   Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month.

   I used to be jealous of skinny girls until I realized they've probably never tasted bacon.