Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They need to invent a pill that gives me incredible bouts of energy without any of the seizures.

   I wanted to eat something sweet with a hole in it for breakfast, but I had to settle for a donut.

   The biggest problem with stupid people is that they don't know they're stupid.

   Anybody that says I'll steal your heart, mind, love etc. you definitely aren't allowed in my house. And you will be frisked for knives.

   Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

   Am I the only one who calculates how many hours sleep I can get before I go to sleep?!

   The older I get, the more the term 'douchebag' applies to everyone younger than me.

   When I'm hungry, I call you. When I'm horny, I call your friend.

   I'm too self centered to be a stalker.

   My back is sore like I had a night of awesome sex, my b0ner reminds me I didn't.

   I hate finding out I'm arguing with someone who actually knows what they're talking about.

   I hate mosquitoes, they're like nature's version of a Jehovah's Witness..........

   Right after I shouted "No more Mr. Nice Guy" I found myself helping the neighbors clean out their garage. Something went terribly wrong.

   I don't always like to stroke a cat, but when I do it's always a pu$$y.

   I drink in front of plants when I haven't watered them in weeks so I can maintain dominance.

   Ladys, can you PLEASE keep your dam toenails clipped, I'm tired of em scratching my dam ears!

   Girls who marry for money & guys who marry for beauty are equally robbed in the end.

   Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.

   Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.

   I have never driven over a bridge and not thought it was about to collapse.