Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

   My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

   I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

   Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

   the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

   I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.

   If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

   It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

   I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it

   If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

   There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

   Somehow, I don't know how, Obama gave Trump covid-19!

   It doesn't matter who wins the Presidency. The entire world's zeitgeist (the spirit of the age) is going through a tumultuous change, and no man or group possesses the power to affect it.

   I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

   Where can I go now to get a good vodka, steak and mortgage?

   can you believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

   Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

   Look. If you've cornholed one chubby mama, you've cornholed them all.

   Social Distancing has taken all the sport out of trying to avoid people.

   Hope I don't get any trick-or-treaters this year as restaurants stop giving away fast food condiments.