Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Veni, vidi, vici- I came I saw I conquered ~~ Julius Caesar. Vidi, Vici, Veni - I saw, I conquered, I came! ~~ Some single dude

   Dear Leviticus 19:27,..........Nobody cares.

   When the government fears the people, it's called Liberty. When the people fear the government, it's called Tyranny.

   In America, dating for men is a chore, for women it's a choice.

   I was just about to poach an elephant the other day, when I suddenly thought to myself, "I'm gonna need a bigger saucepan."

   Dont you hate when ppl call you on house phone and ask where you @ and hold you hostage on the phone

   Veni, Vidi, Vizzini... I came, I saw, INCONCEIVABLE!

   remembering all those flashbacks from before

   Christianity should not be cover for Douchebaggery.

   Trying to write a screenplay about an overcrowded cemetery but there's no plot.

   My demographic doesn't include folks unfamiliar with the word demographic.

   Guys with tattoos on their face cry the loudest.

   My wife is a psycho, this p0st isn't a joke its a cry for help.

   My milkshake never brings anyone to the yard, because I drink it on my own.

   Does this birthday suit make me look fat?

   "Did you cum?" - why is it when I say it I sound apologetic but when she says it she sounds accusatory?

   This tag on my panties has been tickling my ass all morning, I was gonna cut it off but I'm lonely

   Grandma needs a pair of underpants that will support her breasts.

   Hot enough for ya?!  ( YES )  ( NO )  (touch screen to answer!!!)

   Love is me pooping while she brushes her teeth, and when she starts to leave I say "but wait, there's more" and splash another log. We laugh