Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend that works in the ER text. "there's a hottie in here with a shampoo bottle stuck in her V@gina." Me "ask her if she's on Twitter."

   My woman calls me the UPS man, cause I deliver that package right on time. Or it could be because I wear ugly brown shorts.

   I once challenged Vanilla Ice to a Rap challenge and the loser had to be Vanilla Ice.

   I don't know why Sluts have a hard time Saying "No". They heard the word "No" everytime they asked their Dads for a hug.

   I woke up on the wrong side of the society.

   If you're doing it right there's no need for lube.

   For the record, nerd girls punch harder than nerd guys

   Someone wrote "retard" on my car window. Took me ages to lick it off

   My pool is safe for swimming again if you guys wanna come over. No way snakes can survive now with the amount of gasoline I dumped in it.

   The suggested friends list usually falls into 2 categories for me anymore. Either "Who the hell is that?" or "I should of done things to her mouth when I had the chance."

   LIKE if you hate hearing the sound of your recorded voice.

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records" and "shallow grave."

   THE BRAIN--->FORGETS WHAT I WANT TO REMEMBER AND REMEMBERS WHAT I WANT TO FORGET

   I once knew a group of friends, Ross, Joey, Chandler, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe but they're not there for me anymore.

   I'm not Crazy, I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a Lunatic!!!

   I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks.....how do you not hear the music?

   How is ''Doable'' anything but a compliment!!!

   You can only say WTF so many times in a day before you just start drinking!!!

   I'm not afraid to admit that I will put on on the first date ladies.

   If it looks like a B!tch, talks like a B!tch, and acts like a B!tch! Congratulations you met my EX!!!