Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “No officer, there is no blood in my alcohol system.”

   My wife said "what is wrong with you? You have recorded 17 episodes of Hoarders." I said "I know, don't you see the irony of it, I'm hoarding shows of Hoarding."

   Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?

   If I ever shot the sheriff, I'd probably go ahead and shoot the deputy too. Along with any other witnesses, because at that point why not.

   i once told a girl that she was "special" and she totally accepted it as a compliment.

   I always remember our time together. That's why I'm getting a lobotomy.

   When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend who ditched me for his own imaginary friend.

   i'm really good at walking along, minding my own business and then having something happen

   Thinking about standing outside "Magic Mike" showings with sign that reads, "Displaced Exotic Dancer: Homeless" early retirement, here I come!

   Honesty is free and makes you feel good!

   A drunk man's reasoning; "What the hell, she's only ugly in the face"

   The best way to spread the most news in the least time is to disguise it as a secret.

   The new film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks quite good. I think I'll wait for the sequel, Bill Clinton: Lady Killer.

   I like to lay down after sex, stroking her hair and whispering into her ear. "Why are you still here?"

   My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

   I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.

   I don't always wear boxers, but when I do it's brief.

   How the heck does one cup of coffee equal one gallon of pee!?!?

   I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   I have no tattoos, no piercings. I'm just a big, blank canvas of crazy.