Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This old lady dropped a grocery bag leaving the store today. My girlfriend told me "Don't just stand there" .....so I started to point and laugh.

   I was delivered by C-section. I wasn't worthy of an A or even a B-section.

   I once dated a girl who lived on the wrong side of the tracks. Tragically, she was killed by a train

   My girlfriend says I'm a bad influence on her kids. Probably because now every time she tells them "Stop," they reply with either "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."

   i am free of all prejudices... I hate everyone equally :)

   I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today. "But it's sunny outside," he said. "Exactly," I replied, as I pop open a beer.

   Some guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a cup of water...

   My cat just graduated from the University of Phoenix.

   Let me eat your face off.....said no pot head ever!

   Watching Man vs Food. I think I've finally found someone who's had more meat in them than Kim Kardashian.

   When you're a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.

   I wonder if this Margarita counts as my daily serving of fruit...

   I tried to share a cheeseburger with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to go away and buy my own.

   They say that carrots help you see in the dark - that is crap! After 5 minutes of walking into stuff, I switched back to using a light.

   Hey there automatic flushing toilet. I love your enthusiasm but ummm..... I wasn't finished yet.

   I saw some chick get her nipple pierced last night..... Man, I am so bad at darts when I'm drunk.

   Lets just call him He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Laid.

   It is so hot here ( How hot is it ) . It's so hot while I was mowing grass I saw Satan laying under a tree begging for an IV ..

   I didn't realize this pizza delivery tracker app had a "I dropped your pizza but scooped it back up and placed it in the box" indicator.

   We've reached that unfortunate time of the year when all the white guys put on their Hawaiian shirts and think they're Jimmy Buffet!