Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 347 of 6383
When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram
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10-02-2020 13:37
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Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
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10-02-2020 13:36
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My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
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10-02-2020 13:35
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Banks need to do a better job filling their ATM's. 3rd one in a row that's saying "Insufficient Funds"
Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”
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10-02-2020 11:17
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As of yesterday it is illegal to eat road kill in Montana. "Road kill" is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term "vehicularly harvested."
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10-02-2020 11:13
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Hey, congratulations to the Obamas, who are celebrating their wedding anniversary today. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn’t find a sitter for Biden.
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10-02-2020 11:07
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Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
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10-02-2020 11:00
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Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
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10-02-2020 10:59
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If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
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10-02-2020 10:59
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[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
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10-02-2020 10:59
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Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Here's the deal.
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10-02-2020 10:20
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Maybe, if they didn't take the test, they wouldn't even have it.
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10-02-2020 09:14
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I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.
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10-02-2020 08:53
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Tag every baby photo you see on on Facebook as Verne Troyer.
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10-02-2020 08:52
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Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
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10-02-2020 08:50
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Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
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10-02-2020 08:49
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
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10-02-2020 08:49
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I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
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10-02-2020 08:48
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
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10-02-2020 08:48
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