Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you suffer from post-heartbreak drip? Itchy ennui? Restless desire? Empty dreams? If so, ask your doctor if Depression is right for you.

   Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.

   I dont see what's the big deal about Bath Salt Water... I tried it and nothing happened, but I gotta tell ya..... Everything sure looks like CHICKEN!!!

   Water follows the path of least resistance. So I guess when an Asian sweats it just looks like a waterfall

   What do I do when I see someone extremely gorgeous? I stare... I smile... And when I get tired I put the mirror down!

   Beepers and pay phones were so much easier.....

   I'm going to open a bar where ordering an "adios motherf#cker" triggers a trap door filled with alligators

   New condom slogan...."Wrap it in latex or give her your paychex."

   Adele is Pregnant... Those beautiful lyrics finally make sense. I just wanna know which lucky guy decided to go "Rolling in the deep" cos he's gonna "get it all" now... in Alimony!!!

   They say not to text and drive, but I still feel totally fine after two texts

   statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die

   I'm afraid my pet's going to die soon - he's already 14,000,000 in rock-years

   Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise .... Was Rock Of Ages really that bad?

   So excited that The Weather Channel picked up "Weather" for another season!!

   It might be HOT but at least there's no BREEZE...

   LOL!!!! we need more post like the mirror one, your slacking here people!

   Make good memories today, so that you can have a good past.

   wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60" flat screen mirror?

   ''Magic Mike''.......if I hear this one more time I hitting someone with an ''Open Mike!!!''

   Katie Holmes issues statement after confirming reports that she and Tom Cruise are to divorce - "I'm so happy I could jump up and down on the couch!