Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just heard Anderson Cooper announced he's gay. Don't worry ladies, you still have a shot at Lou Dobbs.

   I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people

   You use Google every day but I bet you can't remember the order of the colors

   Thanks, autocorrect. I'm sure she's dying to know about my huge peninsula.

   "I'm shocked Anderson Cooper came out." said no one.

   I'm still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.

   Wives want a video record of the birth of their child. Husbands want a record of the conception.

   when I have a headache , I take 2 asprins and keep away from children . jus like it says on the bottle.

   I just don't get you people who prefer the cold over the heat. The best times of my life are spent being hot, sweaty, and naked. Not cold, shivering, and bundled up.

   Then God said, “Let there be Internet drama”; and there was Internet drama. And God saw that it was good.

   The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she cant afford batteries

   Hit "Like" if you're tired of everyone on Facebook telling you to hit "Like."

   Money cant buy you happiness but its better to cry in a mercedes than on a bicycle.

   So that's why I work so many hours, so you can collect Welfare, wear pajamas in public and have an iPhone.

   Bacon Scented Douche, For that Just Porked feeling!

   I read your timeline only to realize how normal I am

   Monday is like a kid having sex for the first time...it came too soon!

   What would happen if you were scared half to death twice?

   I'm an expert in smartassology.

   A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.