Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's keep in touch but only by our genitals.

   He called my girlfriend a wh0re. So I called him an ambulance.

   I'm not the man you'd hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. Perhaps you should have just once seen in me, the man I am.

   To best understand men, you need to grasp the following: 1. They think with their pen!s 2. They wanna fix everything 3. They wanna fix everything with their pen!s

   You remind me of someone I'd never like to meet.

   If Magic Mike isn't a movie about Magic Johnson and Mike Tyson having 'tickle fights' I'm going to be pissed.

   I'm so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn't apply to hymens.

   Magic Mike is going to get more guys laid tonight than roofies.

   What doesn't kill you makes you realize I hired a sh!tty hit man.

   Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but I kinda always thought Tom and Katie would eventually fall in love.

   Whoever first thought it was a good idea to work for a living was a dumb douchebag.

   Tom Cruise can climb down off Oprah's lounge now and crawl back into his closet.

   "Im never gonna danthh again/ Cauth guilty feet have got no rhythm/ Though ithh eathhy to pretend I know you're not a fool" -Careless Lisper

   If you rearrange Twitter Drama, you get Am Retard Twit.

   Please don't ask me how many sinks I've pissed in." - me taking a polygraph test

   The political frustrations of this week remind me how happy I am to have allegiance to greater kingdom.

   I can thwart just about ANY knock knock joke by answering, "Just a minute!",,,,, or " Come in,, it's open! "

   Hey,,, guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes,,,,,, NOBODY likes you.

   So,,, The dog won our farting contest... I'm going to bed to think about what I could've done differently.

   Hey,,,I say stuff, you should say stuff with me,, and then we'll have fun... M-kay?