Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm proud to announce that my wife and I are expecting a bacon.

   Attention all people who still have pics of their ex-lovers in their albums. Please get rid of that sh!t and move on. Thank you.

   When I was young I thought the Nobel prize was something they gave you at Noble Roman's pizza.

   Magic Mike has the makings to be this generations Show Girls...just sayin

   When my doctor is checking my balls for a physical I run my fingers through her hair. Makes it less embarrassing...

   I'm a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.

   Graduations, Engagements, Babies…I don't understand why I'm obligated to get you a gift for YOUR bad decisions?

   The more “normal” you try to be, the less interesting people like myself will find you.

   My Bucket List: 1. Never Pay Taxes 2. Avoid Jail That's all I got so far.

   I'm a Gentleman. I'll always give a woman my umbrella if it's raining outside. Unless she's wearing white of course.

   Mothers, out of the 300 guys you're friends with on Facebook, I can guarantee not even 1 of them wants to see a picture of your baby.

   Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

   Brought the wrong size underwear. Now I look like I'm smuggling grapes.

   I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down!!!

   Sorry I'm not Adele. I don't wish the best for you nor do I want to find someone like you. I do however want to set fire to all your stuff!!

   Why does this theatre smell like a tuna boat?

   Few things are more annoying than someone setting a good example.

   Always insult accurately. Calling one a douchebag implies the ability to get near a v@gina.

   Adele announced she is pregnant. If she has the baby in the next few days, you guys are going to feel terrible for calling her fat.

   One women's "oh hell no that's gross" is another women's "oh please do that again".