Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't believe it's almost Christmas in July

   I always cry after sex. God, I hate prison!

   "I need a girl who I can spend the rest of my whole night with...."

   If they park like they fck ..they'll never get in

   :Where do all the balls go after they neuter your animals?

   :Procreation: It started out as just plain old creation, until I started doing it.

   :There's nothing more romantic than seeing young lovers dry hump their way through Wal-Mart...

   / I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

   I just killed a spider with my vibrator! If I can figure out how to open jars with it, men can pretty much go screw themselves.

   /Sometimes I like to let the pastry cream from my eclair slide down my chin and I whisper "mommy likey" to myself. I'm lonely.

   omg 109 degrees . its so hot people dont even tan anymore they just rust.

   Magic Mike: raising women's expectations of every man.

   Man if they really made CHILL PILLS, Id have overdosed by now O_o

   MS Exchange Server Logon Failure: Your password will expire in 5 days. Do you want to change it now? -----Yes, the layoff/ downsizing list announcement is in 4 days.

   I drink vodka and gin. My alter ego drinks tequila and rum. Together we make one hell of a Long Island Iced Tea.

   You'd think eating Ramen noodles with a butter knife would encourage me to wash dishes or at the very least go eat dinner at a Strip Club.

   Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.

   Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.

   The Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch.

   Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML