Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   secretly happy the heatwave killed my lawn..does that make me a no-mow

   Aww Crap, Monday found me again.

   There are two rules for success... 1. Never reveal everything you know

   Imagine a life without facebook where you would actually have to watch the news again...

   i wish 2pac was alive so lil wayne could work at mcdonalds

   well... it's about that time to give my pillow some head

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex, so I dumped her.

   Sad reality:Your stingy boy friend is another girl's ATM

   She said she wanted to get a facial, but then she got mad when I came on her face!

   My life: Wake up, mess sh*t up, have fun, sleep, repeat.

   I could love anyone provided you're not a jerk, have decent teeth, and a good credit score.

   Ever just read somebody's post and think.... what th H is this person talking about? they never seem to make any sense.

   This is a very important announcement: On July 18th, 2012 at approximately 12 noon, Facebook will observe an hour of silence in recognition of my AWESOMENESS!

   Gossip is usually planted with the hopes that it will spread.

   Sarcasm : Because beating the s$it out of people is illegal.

   Hollister should offer complimentary gas masks and ear plugs when you walk in the store.

   Mondays are Sunday's poop.

   The 3 worst words to hear right now..."Tomorrow is Monday"

   Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.

   Dont lose the girl of your life, for the hoe of the night.