Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

   My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

   Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute! Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

   I don't want to see a politician's tax returns. I want to see the the results of their IQ tests.

   I love our government! They just voted to borrow $1400 from me so that they can give it to me. Brilliant!

   My favorite part of Forrest Gump is when a guy with an IQ of 75 gets accepted to the University of Alabama.

   What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!

   Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

   Que o medo de não dar certo não nos impeça de tentar. Vá. E se der medo, vá com medo mesmo.

   Fake meat fans, do us normal folks a favor. Shut up already.

   The war is over. The Confederacy lost. We're all Yankees now. Get over it!

   By def: ALL 'culture' is stereotype. Ok maybe the old cultures are monotype, WTH?

   Bike Week: A bunch of lowlifes in need of a bath, riding around drunk, causing traffic jams, clogging up restaurants for no apparent reason other than to drive local residents up the wall with loud noise.

   46 is coming for our 401(k)s. His plan removes the tax free status of contributions, so they'll tax our income going in, and tax our retirement money again when we take it out. Double taxation. Thanks to everyone that voted for this PUTZ.

   If gas prices continue to rise, I'll have no choice but to purchase a windmill to power it.

   Joe Biden just came by for a visit. It's funny because by the time he leaves, the toilet's never flushed and the cat's always pregnant.

   Of all the things that taste like chicken, it's weird that eggs are not one of them.

   Oh no! They blacklisted Pepe Le'Pew. Now where am I gonna get my "moves"?

   I'm worried about my friend, he can't stop buying cars... I think he has car owner virus.

   Whiskey is not the answer. Whiskey is the question, yes is the answer.