Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny, this warrant doesn't feel so outstanding.

   I don't like the term "substance abuse". I prefer "teaching substance a lesson".

   They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper "Dont do it" when you open them.

   And the moral of Little Red Riding Hood is,,, Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human...

   I slid a piece of toilet paper into the next stall with "I can feel your heartbeat" written on it. You could hear a pin drop in here.

   I will not be happy until I get everybody thinking about my nutsack hanging out of my unzipped, yet buttoned jeans, every time they see

   He's making a list,, and checking it 42 times,,, then washing his hands 11x,, and finally touching the sleigh 3x for good measure...: OCD Santa

   I once said “a penny for your thoughts” to a girl and it cost me a dollar…

   Some people think I'm pretty funny until they marry me.

   If there was a way to read a woman's mind...I'm still not sure I'd want too...I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I'm annoying.

   Scientists have discovered some intelligent dna in women, unfortunately 95% of them spit it out!

   You don't have to fight over who sleeps in the wet spot if one of you is smart enough to flip the mattress over.

   Relax,,, We're all crazy.. It's not a competition.

   Confidence is sexy, unless you're a fat girl wearing yoga pants in public.

   How do I love thee? Let me count the empty cans.

   Please don't tell me how this p0rn scene ends!!!

   My girlfriend went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her "b!tch refresher course".

   Tried quitting my job today. But they just laughed and threw me back in my cell.

   I chewed my gum for so long, it completely lost it's sweetness, elasticity and turned into goop. So I spit it out. Now I know how all the ladies feel.

   A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.