Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I was driving today I turned the rear view mirror towards my face so I could view awesome along the whole drive

   I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.

   I'm the easiest person in the world to get alone with.

   women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.

   my dog's least favorite NBA team is the Thunder.

   my dog's favorite food is a peanut butter popsicle!

   I've never bei have never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm ready

   You are 15 years old you should feel butterflies in your stomach not a baby kicking

   Ladies, do you know why God gives you yeast infections?? So you know what it feels like to live with an irritating c@nt also!

   I try to have garage sales but as soon as anyone shows a slight interest in something I take it back into the house & look at it with pride.

   Thanks Fox, but I get my political info from the Facebook posts of crazy relatives and people I haven't seen since high school.

   No I don't have anything smaller than a twenty. You should. You're the one who's running a store.

   I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.

   As for my solicitation of prostitution charge Your Honor, I would like it dismissed under of the Dire Straits "Chicks for free" act of 1985.

   Seems like everyday is some kind of cause, appreciation or event day. I think most are made up. Unlike today which is Ladies have sex with (name) day!

   the all star game was last night?? I didn't even know baseball season had started…

   I'm trying to think of a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon...

   Bruce Willis is working on the 5th Die Hard movie! They should call this one ''Just kill me already!!!''

   There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.

   TSA = Touchy Squeezy Abusers