Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It picks the movie out quickly from the Redbox or it gets the hose again....you stupid b!tch....

   Reverse Psychology: If I were you, I wouldn't even bother trying, because you'll probably f*ck it up.

   Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and “read” the card.

   Sky sports would like to apologise to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Rangers in 3D…… What they meant to say was you could watch Rangers in D3. :)

   Warning – Dates in calendars are much closer than they appear.

   The main difference between fiction and reality, is that fiction has to make sense.

   Am I the only one who thinks McDonald's should only get their beef from Macau?

   Wit is far more often a shield than a lance

   Always be nice to the kid who owns the baseball

   Today feels like a pull the fire alarm kinda day.

   You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching your kids to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

   Vodka is the missionary position of booze.

   "Give It To Me" She Screamed, "I'm getting Wet, Give It To Me Now".... "Screw Off" I replied "This Is My Umbrella"

   Best advice I can give to newlyweds is to buy a really comfortable couch.

   J - July, Jocks in ski masks, Jason, Jaywalkin chicks on cell phones at Camp Crystal Lakes

   Things Men Think: Wedding plans take care of themselves.

   From now on just cross your heart, I'll take care of the hope you die part.

   After I shave I look twenty hours younger

   Went to Micky D's today and ordered the fish sandwich and for the first time ever the cheese was squarely on the sandwich.....almost brought a tear to my eye.

   First Tyler, then Lopez...its going to be American "Idle" !!!