Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

   Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.

   I was thinking of you today! I also threw up in my mouth a little, but it just might be a coincidence!!!

   Hung like Einstein smart as a horse... Thanks dad.

   Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story that teaches kids that if you're ugly, hold a girl against her will & she'll eventually love you.

   I love how the internet has improved people's grammar far more then any English teacher has. If you write "your" instead of "you're" in a English class all you get is a red mark.... Mess up on the Internet just once, and may God have mercy on your soul.

   I may be dumb, but at least I'm not …wait, what was I talking about?

   House party couple of doors away, music sounds awesome, wish I could rock up. Takes me back. These days my 4 yr old has mores parties.

   I can't sleep knowing that a sexy girl is horny somewhere.

   QUESTIONS-I-HATE - Can I see your phone? No its called an iPhone not an usPhone!

   Some relationships are like farts, sooner or latter you gonna have to let it go!

   Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own.

   A wise man once told me, women are good for 70 things. Making sandwiches and 69.

   No mom, you're mad because you're wrong, not because I'm talking back...

   When you mess up a guy's hair, he thinks it's cute, but when you mess up a girl's hair... just hope you're wearing something bulletproof.

   I had a can of beer last night and on the side it said “Best Drunk Before August, 2012". I've just e-mailed them thanking them for that prestigious award which, of course I graciously accept....

   Watching "Hitler's Hemorrhoids" on the Military channel......

   Wow, that's a nice looking pair of crocs!" - Said by no one. Ever.

   I don't always eat breakfast, but when I do, it's dos eggys.