Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is no "i" in "team." But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team" so....there

   The only stimulating book I want to read is "50 Shades of Gravy"

   Friday the 13th is such a bunch of crap..... hang on, going to go see what this guy in a hockey mask wants at the door.... it's not even hockey season, what an idiot.... brb

   Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

   Hmmm,,,,,,, I think this coffee is broken

   The days of good grammar has went by from now on

   Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is easily the worst thing to happen to President Lincoln in a theatre.

   I DON'T want to brag,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, So I won't,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, See how that works?

   Let me ruin your favorite song by playing 15 times a day, 7 days a week!” – The Radio.

   If your status update contains the words, “I know 99% of you won't repost this,” there is a 99% chance you're an idiot.

   Top ten things men understand about women. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

   I'm on Twitter because my family is on Facebook.

   Beers should come with a "May reverse bros before hoes" warning.

   My I.Q. goes from 125 to about 14 when there's a hot girl around.

   Describing yourself as a "morning person" translates to me that you are a fu$king as$hole.

   It's amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone.

   Why does your need to pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?

   BREAKING: Penn State to keep Paterno statue, but plan to move it into the showers....Or something like that?

   Most important thing I learned today: My Talk to kids/Nice voice sounds INCREDIBLY HOMOSEXUAL

   Look here Dora....If you ever want to see your monkey friend again you are gonna stick these condoms full of heroin in your ass and get them through customs....