Funny Status Messages

   Vegas taking bets on Texas and Mississippi having an even worse 3rd wave? I'm itching to put money down on that.

   I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people...

   You know you are getting old when you can remember Tom Sellick’s first rodeo

   I may be ugly but I'm vaccinated!

   Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

   I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

   I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

   Accidentally parked in a ‘reserved for witches’ spot. When I got back there was a note on my windshield that said “you will be toad.”

   Today is the one-year anniversary of our two-week lockdown.

   Everyone saying the world has gone mad while pointing at each other is proof the world has gone mad.

   My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

   3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

   Why are so many hot women also such dumb cun+s?

   Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

   In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

   Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it

   How many animals do you think they tried shaving before they figured out sheep?

   A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

   I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

   [first day as a bartender] *garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*