Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ok, time to get off my arse and do something... I can only read the same posts so many times then it feels like groundhog's day.

   My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.

   I can't even explain how my blow up doll makes me feel before sex. She really takes my breath away.

   I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away

   The days of good grammar has went.

   Yes, I'm aware I can't fly, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try if my chute doesn't open.

   This shark attacked a defenseless surfer and bit him in half. What kind of animal would do something like that?!

   Our FedEx guy keeps delivering diapers & formula but I didn't order any. And he cries when he holds the baby. Weird, huh?

   When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, "Okay let's do one more but this time don't squint

   Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: "Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?"

   I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.

   Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

   My Bucket List : #1. Rock down to "Electric-Avenue" #2. then take it higher..................(that's all I've got so far)

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the a$$hole for tripping him??

   Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"........................ Idiots.

   I wish I could illegally download clothes from the internet.

   I had skylights installed at my place last night and I don't get why the people who live upstairs aren't okay with this.

   I'm almost drunk enough to comment on a YouTube video.

   Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.