Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, "Okay let's do one more but this time don't squint

   Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: "Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?"

   I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.

   Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

   My Bucket List : #1. Rock down to "Electric-Avenue" #2. then take it higher..................(that's all I've got so far)

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the a$$hole for tripping him??

   Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"........................ Idiots.

   I wish I could illegally download clothes from the internet.

   I had skylights installed at my place last night and I don't get why the people who live upstairs aren't okay with this.

   I'm almost drunk enough to comment on a YouTube video.

   Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.

   I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check.

   Nothing says disappointment like when the black family loses on family feud .....

   I ignored your Facebook Friend Request only because there isn't a ''Oh Hell No!'' Button!!!

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day! Teach a man to fish and he will go out and purchase expensive fishing gear, stupid looking clothes,a sports utility vehicle,travel 1000 miles to a lake,to stand waist high to catch 2 fish!

   I'm old school when it comes to video games and by that I mean I turn into a senior citizen who yells "which one am I?" every 30 seconds.

   I'll et the same underage 14yr old Chinese worker who made the United States Olympic uniforms is the same 14yr old that beats us to win the Gold Medal in Gymnastics!!!

   Just got caught stealing a book, I explained that I'm dyslexic & thought it was the 'help self' section.

   My bank card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

   No officer, I didn't see you in my rear view; my eyes haven't left my phone for at least the past 5 miles.