Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Romeo and Juliet is Not a Love Story... It's a 3-Day relationship between a 13 year-old and a 17 year-old that caused 6 Deaths. Sincerely, -Everyone who actually Read it.

   Saw a baby goat rescue a baby sheep........ I kid ewe not

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat

   Foghorn Leghorn would have made a terrible, I say, would have made a terrible, I saya terrible poster.

   I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving

   Just remember, Michael Jordan would not have been a six time NBA champion without the government building the roads that got him to the game!

   If God made me in his image, does that mean he has a third nipple too?

   It's Monday morning sweetie so do me a favor and shut your love hole. No, not that one...the one that makes words.

   You, lady are what's known as 'issues on legs'.

   Always remind her to 'calm down' and 'be reasonable'. Otherwise she might forget those things and remain enraged

   I would rather pick up a used condom than your call.

   Bed is holding me captive. Send sex.

   Any time I wonder if God exists, I think of women & I know he does. Coincidentally, this is also what I do when I wonder if the devil exists

   Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It's so fun to watch them freak out!

   How can this cop expect me to show him my license when he took it away last month? What an Idiot.

   Mario Kart is more fun if you imagine everyone's fleeing the scene of a brutal homicide.

   If you're not still a little drunk on Monday morning I'm not buying your good weekend story.

   You know you're getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.

   Let's have sex? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   $ex is the most common event that draws people in to things. Be it sales, facebook posts, etc. I always felt that $ex is not the most important thing. And I've managed to instill this philosophy in all 18 of my kids.