Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I see a girl in a glittery shirt I think to myself, "Ooh! What a sparkly nightmare of need."

   I know it's hot but a crackhead just tried to sell me a ceiling fan. No really...

   Noticed a fly stuck to the back of my girlfriends maxipad in the trash, so I hung them all over the house as flystrips. Won't she be surprised at how smart I am :D

   I do have a life outside of Facebook, but I don't remember the password for it.

   Sometimes the best people to spill your heart to are total strangers. I love you guys.

   Ladies: Invest in men's weakness. Buy sexy lingerie.

   I'm the least productive after lunch. My metabolism protests against any form of physical or intellectual effort. The boss doesn't get it.

   The date was over when you asked me to follow you on Twitter.

   My 3yr old doesn't like onions on his donut! Onions= shredded coconut!

   I did NOT pee my pants! I was marking my territory. These pants are MINE!

   The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

   Ham and Eggs:: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

   People who believe in God shouldn't be allowed to complain about the weather.

   WANTED: A meaningful overnight relationship.

   for my next magic trick i'll need a condom and a volunteer,.

   if your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

   Thankyou for calling Comcast America's #1 Cable Co. My name is Habib Akmed Musaffa Akmed Habib, How may I mis-understand you today?!!!

   Ladies, please don't forget, safe sex is your responsibility

   As my car slowly filled with water, the last thing I would hear was the calm measured voice of my GPS, "Recalculating route."

   The Devil gave me my soul back, something about "Tasting like Vodka" Whatever dude