Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know the pot holes are ridiculous when it effn looks like the pot hole may lead to underground parking......and another wheel alignment.

   At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.

   Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?

   Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat. No weirdos.

   If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

   direct deposit: $1400 me at Nike: you do it.

   i’m at the age where I have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

   I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

   just gave my 5yo power of attorney

   It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

   What’s worse: a broken heart, or knowing you’ll never be flexible enough to roundhouse kick your boss in the face?

   Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained. Toothpaste: Hi

   Marriage tip: The first thing you need to ask your wife to do after an eleven-hour work day is give you a serious back rub. Explain to her that playing Xbox all day long really takes a toll on your muscles!

   Maybe fewer big booty ho's at next years Grammy's??

   Just call executions "late term abortions" and Dems will support them.

   Direct deposit $1400: Me at McDonald’s: sir did just say how much are the French fries? Me: takes the mask off no I said how much is the franchise.

   I slept like a log last night. ... Woke up in the fireplace!

   Direct deposit $1400: me at the dollar tree. Where the $2 stuff at?

   Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

   So 10-year old's school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too. Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?