Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

   My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

   I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

   Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.

   I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.

   I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.

   As a man, never watch your woman struggle to pay bills ... dump her and find one that has some money.

   "I look ridiculous!" --First wolf in sheep's clothing

   Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

   me: [being mauled to death by a werewolf] lol he probably smells my dog

   Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

   My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

   Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.

   Now who is holding up the stimulus checks. yep you guessed wicked witch of the East Capitol.

   As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

   Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

   I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

   Looking for a date, he must -be an alpha male -not shave -howl at the moon -not eat all the dog biscuits at once -ok I’ve been single for too long

   Why do we call them “stoners” and not “your highness”

   I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops