Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mandatory Obamacare...for those that cant afford jobs

   Granddad sure does love his baths - He's been in there for three days now.

   The cats puke looks pretty much exactly like normal cat food. I wonder if they would notice if I just put it back in their bowl?

   You say, "I think we should see other people" like I haven't been doing so ever since we started dating.

   I'm getting drunk while depressed. If I have your phone number, now would be a good time to your phone off.

   My body hurts from all the sex I'm not having.

   Just gave my girlfriend my two week notice.

   I'm not addicted to alcohol. I`m just in an abusive relationship with it.

   I'd never slip a roofie in your drink, that's a Mentos.

   Being gay, is never having to say I'm sorry... I got you pregnant.

   So we're expected to believe the 500,000 people who won't bother to get a state issued ID are actually going to bother to vote??

   So my old company keeps trying to get me to come back. They must have some new high tech layoff system they want to test.

   Fellas; If she doesn't call you every minute of the day, never let her go.

   Eight minutes to microwave my lasagna?? I don't want to eat it tomorrow...

   Note to Ladies; Relationships don't turn a$$holes into princes

   Two of the three times I've jumped out of a moving car, Creed was on the radio. The other time my grandma entered the freeway the wrong way.

   What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...

   Unless there's a new app that lets you shoot people, that phone holster looks ridiculous.

   With proper application of LSD, any horse can talk like Mr. Ed.....

   If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don't need it to add up all the ladies you get....