Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reorganized my kitchen and installed new pantry liners. It feels so fresh now!

   "I'm shocked that several young, rich athletes have been arrested recently! " said, no one ever...

   Roses are Red! The Sun is Gold!....Now get on your knee's and do as you're told!!!

   I have one nerve left! And you're dry humping it!....Go Away!!!

   They are making us take down American Flags off Bridges, Fire Trucks all across America! Watch, The National Christmas Tree is next, because it offends some people! Take back our Country before it's too Late!

   Went to the doc's for my prostate check up. Is it normal for both his hands to be on my shoulders during the exam

   The harder you work, the luckier you get!!!...........Make it happen for yourself!

   Happy Birthday to the Greatest Invention you don't appreciate enough unless you don't have it! On this day 110yrs ago Dr. Kerry invented the Air Conditioner!!!

   If a guys says ''I can't feel anything wearing trhis condom!'' Ask him if he can feel you sucking the money out of his paycheck for trhe next 18 years!!!''

   Oh man, it's not the weekend yet? I can't wait to stand around in some empty bar watching a crummy band and having weak drinks.

   "Where the streets have no name"...That,, my little ones, is probably why they still haven't found what they're looking for.

   Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation,, even if I'm not sure what it means

   Farmers complaining about the drought. Why not just buy corn at the store??..... idiots

   You haven't lived if you have never done a line of coke off a girl's ass.

   Doggy style, because sometimes you both just like the same tv show.

   Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never grew marijuana...

   Record temps again tomorrow....If I can find a lemonade stand, I'll be on it like a hillbilly on his half-sister!

   Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

   Got a problem with me? I'm pretty sure a status on Facebook won't fix it.

   I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the s$it out of.