Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If 50 is the new 40, does that mean I have to break it to my 9 year old nephew that he's the new -1?

   I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”

   Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock? I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!

   I know we are in a seious debate on your status! And I totally disagree with everything you've said. But I can't commnt yet, because I have no idea what I' talking/arguing about, and i'm waiting for Google to load!!!

   You know its the truth when Republicans start with the name calling.

   Hey you looney liberal... if that hooker says she'll give you an "Obama" for $20, she means she'll be happy to take a sh!t your face.

   Government is a disease masquerading as its own cure.

   Good afternoon fellow friends. Today we're going to talk about Creativity. You see, creativity is... umm hold on a sec. Google is still loading...

   If you think my lunchbox looks a lot like a 12 pack, you're right... except there's only 4 left now! :)

   I am scared... Someday I might just catch flames automatically... Being so hot an all... ;)

   I never responded to your foolishness because I still have what you don't want me to have!

   I have so much sand in my ass from the beach I have already made four little fartcastles on the floor.

   Cat picture. Car picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Food picture. Cat picture. Emotional rant. Cat picture. Emotional rant about a cat. Cat picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Cat picture. WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?!

   Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.

   My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it's either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke..... in which I talk about having a wife.

   My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn. I told her, I love my car but I still watch NASCAR

   Since when did these all reality shows start using hearing impaired captions for all their daily drama?? Oh wait, my bad. I logged onto Facebook.

   Anyone who lets facebook determine their relationships is an infant.

   For the longest time I thought a jetski was what people who say "brewski" for "beer" call an airplane.

   I'm sorry, I don't see why you can't have a crack house AND have it tastefully decorated.