Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd never slip a roofie in your drink, that's a Mentos.

   Being gay, is never having to say I'm sorry... I got you pregnant.

   So we're expected to believe the 500,000 people who won't bother to get a state issued ID are actually going to bother to vote??

   So my old company keeps trying to get me to come back. They must have some new high tech layoff system they want to test.

   Fellas; If she doesn't call you every minute of the day, never let her go.

   Eight minutes to microwave my lasagna?? I don't want to eat it tomorrow...

   Note to Ladies; Relationships don't turn a$$holes into princes

   Two of the three times I've jumped out of a moving car, Creed was on the radio. The other time my grandma entered the freeway the wrong way.

   What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...

   Unless there's a new app that lets you shoot people, that phone holster looks ridiculous.

   With proper application of LSD, any horse can talk like Mr. Ed.....

   If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don't need it to add up all the ladies you get....

   Her smile used to get me through a tough day. Now her smile just keeps me up all these sleepless nights...wondering...what is this b!tch up to???

   The difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale is a Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." and a Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t..."

   Why is it that I'm a normal, calm, predictable person until I get a pair of secateurs in my hand and I turn into a crazed plant killing maniac?

   I have a job. Still cant afford healthcare.

   gonna get hot, get naked, get wet, gonna rub my hands all over my body and make the windows steam up! Alright, calm down, just gonna take a shower. :)

   What's with these people on facebook who never particpate on your page at all, yet act all weird when you decline attending their $tupid event?

   Life is all about A$$! You are either covering it! Kissing it! Busting it! Laughing it off! Trying to get a piece of it! ......Or you live with one!!!

   You know as soon as my ''Swear Jar'' gets full, I'm going to use the money to get a Fking Puppy!!!