Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   20% of marriage is just waiting for your spouse to fall asleep so you can eat the snacks you don’t want to share.

   HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA JUST WALKED BY YOU WHILE YOU WERE STARING AT YOUR PHONE!

   The greater the threat the better the weapon

   If you don't need a mask because God will protect you, why do you need a gun?

   Whose got two big strong hands? Asking for a friend on National No Bra day?

   Just heard on the news that fake news is up 200% on Facebook. So what else is new?

   Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away

   What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

   Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

   Executioner: Any last words Me: No, I’m – My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

   If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

   I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

   I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

   I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

   Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

   I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

   Autocorrect can be your best fiend or your worst enema.

   I was on the phone earlier with a friend in upstate New York. We touched on the weather. She said, "It's wet, gloomy and mostly in the 40's. I said that sounds like my sƐx life.

   Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

   Four years has past and we's not alls rich yet. What in the moonshine happened?