Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.

   Had a bad day today, but I didn't kill 8 people... I came home and did a line of coke like all other responsible adults

   that March 20th inauguration happening? Anybody know? Anybody? I don't want to miss it again.

   Your tax refund probably taking long cuz all your kids got different last names and the IRS is confused.

   I heard Biden went on a trip today.

   What did Jill say to Joe, when he left the White House, this morning? "Have a safe trip."

   Q-Tip. A d!ldo for the ear.

   Sometimes I wish Whoop-ass came in a spray bottle instead of a can.

   I’ve tested positive for needing a fucing vacation

   Playboy has asked me to stop sending them my nudes

   I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

   If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   ford is moving to mexico. you folks happy now

   I don't always "Whoop", but when I do, there it is...

   I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on triangle disappeared.

   Happy St Patrick's Day, the day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except for the Irish -- they pretend they're sober.

   Corned beef and cabbage this.

   My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.

   Everyone told Beethoven he would never be a composer because he was deaf. But did he listen?

   I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home, they were still there.