sean Funny Status Messages

   So...... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics?

   I get hit on by so many cougar, the discovery channel & Antiques road show offered me my own show called Vintage Gash Hunter

   A lot of people constantly complain about Monday's, Tuesday's and Wednesday's being the worst part of the week, I have discovered that with the right mix of Jack Daniels and sleeping pills those days no longer have to happen.

   the moment when your channel surfing and power rangers pop up and you think to yourself wow I used to watch a group of teenagers in tights beat up people in monster outfits

   People who can't find happiness aren't in a liquor store

   every time I see a mattress strapped to the top of a car I think its a prosty making house calls.

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing

   After I won my divorce trial I FEDexd my ex-wife's attorney a consolation prize of a broom and a witches hat.

   Those people who think that a woman's place is in the kitchen obviously never had my ex-wife's cooking....

   a new postage stamp shaped like a vAjAy was introduced yesterday but it's not selling well cos only 5% of men know how 2 lick it properly!

   so this lady is buying a birthday card and diet suppliments, cant help but wonder if these items are not related or if she's just a b!tch

   Brett Favre & Congressman Weiner gave new meaning to the term "Junk Mail".

   Dear neighbors, If you hear a lot of screaming and cussing please do not worry and/or call the police. I am cleaning out my garage and have Arachnophobia

   They say the end of the world is very near, So what if Saturday is the end of the world? If I get sent straight to hell its going to take me at least a week to realize that I'm not still at work.

   At first I was excited that the Bulls game got pushed back, but when I found out Oprah's s\Secrets was not a new line of plus size lingerie I have to admit I was disappointed

   Easiest way out of Jury duty, after the States Attorney tells you he/she has no more questions, thank them for their time, fist pump them and say “ May the force be with you”

   I've heard that Apple had to get rid of their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name

   Can someone tell me why there is braille on the drive thru ATM machine....Am I missing something here

   A lot of people make fun of the stuff Glenn Beck says. But don't forget he also has a really stupid face

   Thanks to the ac its so cold in my office that even the girls in my nudy calendar are getting T.H.O's