Baddie Funny Status Messages

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth. So I get it girls, I get it.

   Look lady, if you don't want me staring at your ass in public, let's go back to my place.

   Hey fellas what's that called when your wife wakes up horny? Never. It's called never.

   If she hesitates when you ask her to 'hide this in your panties' then she's not the one.

   I can't believe I used to talk to people.

   My wife says I'm a clueless idiot. I didn't even know I had a wife.

   All I'm saying, ladies, is if you're looking for a guy how about collecting snacks instead of cats.

   How many white girls does it take to change a light bulb? I have no clue, but I guarantee they'll post a picture of it on Instagram.

   Introduce me to your parents at your own risk.

   Every time someone tells me “you have a good handshake.” I reply with “you can thank my pen*s for that.”

   Sorry I mispronounced your baby's name you made up.

   Aren't you too fat to be this rude?

   I don't want Shia LaBeouf to stop making films because he might start working in a McDonald's near me and I don't want him touching my food.

   Ladies; Don't listen to a man who says he can tell your temperature with his pen*s. It's fun, but inaccurate.

   Its not my fault I have a double-chin...when God was giving out chins..I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

   I don't think women like flowers, they just like seeing how dumb men are "this guy is actually spending money to buy a plant we won't eat?"

   There is no straight way to wash a cucumber.

   At my job interview today the guy said, "You're shaking, don't be so nervous." So I told him, "Oh, I'm not nervous, I'm an alcoholic."

   I can't believe I haven't ruined somebody's day yet.

   Hey husbands, only 2 more days to get your wife a gift for Valentine's Day so she can be less angry at you for about 3 hours.