Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Erectile dysfunction starts with small talk.

   Cookie dough flavored vodka? Ugh. Stay out of the bar Mary Poppins.

   You don't refer to a pen!s as a 'pork sword'? Well I guess this friendship is over before it began.

   YEAH!!! We should take guns from everyone now......we should also remove everyones teeth just in case to save face

   Tried to share a Burger with a Homeless guy ..He said F#K OFF!! Buy Your OWN!!!

   i used to have super power but my therapist took them away

   You know you're a Lo$er if your mom wants you to help set-up things for your twins Surprise Birthday Party!!!

   I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   Just shredded cheese by hand. Sorry in advance for the pieces of nails and skin.

   Now..a cheaper way to express your love...----E-cards !

   I can't believe the hookers you see on COPS ever..ever..get a customer..mmmm lesions

   Probably drank too much coffee this morning. Probably drank too much. Probably too much coffee. Drank too much. Coffee. Probably.

   How about we put Sandusky and the Colorado shooter in the same cell, and turn out the lights?

   If I hear one more foreigner accusing us of having a "culture of violence" I'm gonna blow their brains out.

   I hate arrogant people....It's like they think they're better than me...No one is better than me!

   I have a friend whose status says "suicidal standing on edge of cliff'.... I poked him.

   "Don't kid yourself" Would be a great slogan for an abortion clinic.

   How can ANYONE defend the Theater killer saying "he had every right to do what he did, blah blah blah?!" Are these people out of their minds? I think so!

   Before ou diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not in fact surrounded by a$$holes!!!

   The NCAA should allow Penn State to continue playing football, but their scores shouldn't be reported for 15 years.