Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3394 of 6446

Your anger issues really flourish when you're hungry.
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07-20-2012 10:18
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I don't care how long you've been married, the appropriate gift for an anniversary should be sex.
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07-20-2012 10:09
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First time dating a French girl, I wanted to look classy so I ordered foie gras & a grand cru. She ordered burger & fries. Now I'm the b!tch in this relationship.
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07-20-2012 09:45
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If by "people skills" you mean doing everything possible to avoid people then I have really good people skills.
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07-20-2012 09:38
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You call it 'laziness', I call it 'laziness' too because I don't feel like coming up with an alternate excuse.
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07-20-2012 09:36
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Morning wood should be renamed to "Try not to pee on the ceiling."
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07-20-2012 09:29
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I'm not comfortable with the fact that there's a skeleton inside me.
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07-20-2012 09:28
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Shouldn't love handles really be called hate handles since nobody really wants them?
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07-20-2012 09:21
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If you expect a good comeback, come back later.
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07-20-2012 09:18
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Cheers to Friday & the weekend, but most of all thanks to good weather & friends who will get together!!!
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07-20-2012 09:08
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Maroon 5's song "Payphone" - my kids heard that song and asked, what's a payphone?
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07-20-2012 08:58
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There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!

got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is an unacceptable way to describe the number 69...
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07-20-2012 07:26 by Vimvanvos
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found it really hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I've turned myself around, and I guess that's what it's all about....
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07-20-2012 07:22 by Vimvanvos
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I'm a guy that loves to show a woman exactly what I like sexually. So I start off every first date with a 2-hour PowerPoint presentation.
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07-20-2012 06:57 by Czovczov
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I want to be a bartender for thirty minutes some night, just to put actual rocks in some drinks. Till I get bored. Or punched in the throat.
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07-20-2012 06:08
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Somehow ended up falling asleep reading about plant sexuality last night. Gotta watch out for those polygamodioecious ones. Freaks.

Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.

So lately I've started describing myself as OPPOP. That's the opposite of popular and no, you may not use that.

If you're an American who feels that you are represented in your government, please contact me. I love people with imaginations.
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07-20-2012 04:15
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