Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May the best drugs win..... London2012

   I hate when I'm spending a quiet night with my girlyfriend and the cops ruin it by arresting me for home invasion, false imprisonment, kidnapping and harassment.

   I don't remember what I got arrested for but I do remember the female cop complimenting my buns of steel.

   My girlfriend asked me if could help her with her math homework. It confused the shit out of me, mainly because I didn't know my hand talked

   You can't say happiness without saying penis. Coincidence ? I think NOT...

   The only time to diet is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.

   Lemme get this straight. You were just on transit in England for 2 days and now you have a British accent!! Quite the bafoonery.

   If I ever had enough money... I would start up my own towing company... and call it "Camel Towing"!

   Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

   They should invent an alarm clock that if I press snooze more than three times, it automatically calls in sick for me.

   There is a new scale that tells your weight about 50 lbs less..Its in an APP...for your phone.. Dont beleive me? Step on it and you will see !

   A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."

   A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

   n't the term "politically correct" an oxymoron?

   For sale one air bass guitar, never played. One air drum set only played on Phil Colin's in the air tonight..... Lol

   Does your a** never get jealous of the s**t that comes out of your mouth?

   If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage. You are not girlfriend material.

   My Mothers MENU had only two items: 1: Eat it or 2: Leave it.

   That moment you realise you're a result of sex.

   Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.