Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I installed a clapper in my bedroom last week so that I can turn my lights on and off by just lying in bed clapping my hands. I never really thought that one through... Every time I have a wank my room becomes like a nightclub with strobe lighting.

   "Everyday I'm buffering" – Youtube

   Shout out to all the girls who know how to arch that back right when you giving her back shots

   You are born to move mountains but you're still stuck on rocks.

   ust a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...

   Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimal of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...

   I don't care how hot you think you are, you aren't better than cheesecake. NOTHING is better than Cheesecake.

   ♫ All in all, it's just a... nother post on my wall. ♫

   What is gray and comes in quarts,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,an elephant

   What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

   . Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. ; )

   When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d*ck or a good memory.. I don't remember what I chose.

   I'm a leader. Not a follower. Unless it's a dark place, then f*ck that sh*t you're going first.

   If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.

   I'm surprisingly nice for someone who hates 99% of people.

   @ Nobody ... the bottle said 1 pill every 12 hours, not 12 pills every 1 hour.

   Always the blame game. No matter who the president is everyone's gonna say its his fault we are where we are. We're all Americans lets work together! Regardless of what party youre for! USA!

   Nobody can't 'except' you are a very spiritual person but I'm sure a few could 'accept' it.

   Due to the Economy, remember that money I said never to worry about?!!!

   I wish cake went straight to my Pen!s!!