Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: "Hey, Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   There's definitely a psychosis attached to being overweight. All f@t chicks are weird.

   I'd like to personally address Facebook in telling them we know how to vote and to kindly stop with those imbecilic notices.

   It's social media. Not "I'm a thirsty, gender confused, angry, whiney cry baby" media.

   Curious to see if all these protestors tearing down statues will be celebrating Thanksgiving

   The only thing I can say about Janis Joplin is that she looks like she smelled bad.

   Girl: You were so nice earlier on the phone, now you're being mean. Why? - Me: That was before I cranked one out to your pics.

   All the leaves on my yard look like all the lotto tickets I bought in my life.

   The news just reported that Loving County Texas is Coronavirus free! I mean there's only 102 people that live in that country, but still that's something to celebrate!

   I improved upon the pizza cutter joke: I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead. It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

   Even I'm not dumb enough to believe Twitter crashed itself in order to protect people.

   Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's C.D It cuts like a knife

   I'm hard at work writing song lyrics which center around my offering a ride to those asking to be taken to Funkytown.

   Legally changing my name to Pumpkin Spice Latte so my wife will love me more.

   Me to my Doctor: Hey, Doc. Every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye. Doctor: Do you remember to take the spoon out of the cup?

   Relationship status: woke up next to an empty pizza box

   Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

   Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

   I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700's because guys kept checking their treasure maps.

   I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.