Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm naming my TV remote Joe for obvious reasons.

   Here's hoping that 2020 disappears quicker than a pizza at a pothead convention.🍷

   Orange Man bad? Let him who is without sin cast the first ballot.

   I hear someone screaming! That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store...

   I'm so old I forgot it was my birthday until I got the facebook reminder.

   I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.

   Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

   I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

   Momma, I hid my milk! -A Parenting Horror Story

   Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

   My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

   80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

   I like my coffee like I like my men Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

   I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

   heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and one of them stood up and said “i’m mcdone with u” and left

   Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

   How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?

   Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

   I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today! I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

   We cannot be a country that listens to science. Science does not make sense at all.