Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone know of a good book for training hamsters? Trying to amass my army.

   The olympics... the only time where you can be a male swimmer and we won't think you're gay.

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone "Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who's phone you've just called." Problem solved!

   Just remember whatever you put up with you end up with!

   Does McDonalds really believe by showing Olympic Athletes in their commercials it's going to make their food any healthier!

   dear NBC, wake me up when women's beach volleyball starts...

   Just so you know...weather conditions where simultaneously wearing shorts and Uggs is acceptable - NEVER EXIST!

   You Know, I'll never be an Olympic athlete but I did participate in a Toyotathon once...

   another olympics, another stern letter to Australians reminding them kangaroos aren't athletes.

   Gay firemen were the first pole dancers. And they were fabulous.

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   Remember, ladies...It's better to wake up with a mysterious gash on your finger than a mysterious finger in your gash.

   Apparently, "I had an interview with a better company" is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.

   I forgot to buckle my 5 year old up in the car today, and while leaving the parking lot, this guy yells, "You're an irresponsible father!". I was like, "What the hell is that guy's problem? Stop the car son!"

   will never be an Olympic athlete...but I did participate in a Toyotathon once!

   dear gays. It's not you, it's me. I hate most straight people too…

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   Somewhere out there, a man named Private Number is sobbing uncontrollably because no one ever takes his phone calls.

   I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

   Why are those who profess tolerance intolerant of different viewpoints????