Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy birthday to my Dad,,,, who was yelling stuff from the toilet with the door open 36 years before Facebook was created.

   Darn it,,,,, It's almost August and I'm still writing Slovakia on my Czechs!

   Sometimes life beats you up and you forget how awesome you are. Thank god for alcohol to help you remember.

   Status Upd@tes are like skirts. The shorter the better.

   Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I'm getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

   I get my daily starches through vodka.

   She said the 'F' word. She called us Friends.

   ...“I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday”...

   11 year old found on plane heading to Rome. Seems the Pope was ordering some take out!

   If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?

   its amusing listening to someone's lie when you already know the truth

   If you support traditional marriage you are not welcome in Chicago and Boston. "Don't judge me, but if you don't agree with me I will label you a bigot."

   just thnk this Generation will never know the joy of getting a hand written letter from a loved one..

   Just spilled a drop of my 5 hour energy shot. I'm guessing that means 4 hours, 22 minutes, and 7 seconds. Party on!

   Never make someone your first option when they make you their second option.

   Cap'n crunch without crunch berries doesn't make any sense to me

   laughing at all the lovey dovey posts today from the same people who were so miserable in the exact same relationships that they felt it news worthy enough to post how miserable, unhappy and thoroughly disgusted they were with that exact same person

   Dont take me for granted, because I will leave your a$$ in at a moments notice!

   Music becomes my best friend when nobody else understands me.

   Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need damn smarter friends.