Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During the opening Olympic ceramony I thought the Chinese uniforms looked pretty good!....And the ones worn by the Chinese team weren't too bad either!!!

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're a wet paper towel on a stick

   Man Rule #6......Men's Olympic Swimming events are the ''Only'' I repeat ''Only'' time speedo's are allowed!!!

   If you're home alone and wearing pants, you're doing it wrong!

   Aww I'm sorry you're mad the world doesn't revolve around you. Here...let me pour you a nice, tall glass of Get Over It.

   Why is YOLO popular all of a sudden? Was there seriously a problem of people thinking we lived twice?

   It's so hot outside, I bet Jehovah's Witnesses are going to start telemarketing.

   If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.

   Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.

   Trying to change my ways.......Now when I pick my nose, I don't wipe it on people anymore.

   Weeds not a drug? Ha! Ya and Tomatoes aren't Vegetables! Wait....they aren't!

   Whte Kid: SHUT UP MOM!!! Mom: *Shuts Up* Blck Kid: SHUT UP MOM! *Wakes up* Where am I? Doctor: Intensive care. O.O

   i had a really bad day today. First , my ex girlfriend got hit by a bus. Then, I got fired from the bus company..

   So whats the deal with all the Athletes, biting their GOLD Medals.... Is England's economy that Bad or are they hoping they are the Choclate filled Medals?????

   To be fair, my hand is prettier than most of the girls I've slept with, I should stop cheating on it.

   I love being naked in a house alone... It's just a little awkward when the owner's arrive.

   Anyone know of a good book for training hamsters? Trying to amass my army.

   The olympics... the only time where you can be a male swimmer and we won't think you're gay.

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone "Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who's phone you've just called." Problem solved!

   Just remember whatever you put up with you end up with!