Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dear gays. It's not you, it's me. I hate most straight people too…

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   Somewhere out there, a man named Private Number is sobbing uncontrollably because no one ever takes his phone calls.

   I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

   Why are those who profess tolerance intolerant of different viewpoints????

   @nal is completely unnatural...unless I'm doing it to a girl.

   It is true there is no "I' in team, but there is a lot of "I's" on the USA Olympic Men's Basketball Team

   Getting a guy to walk me home and then stabbing him will never get old.

   I hate when I think I've found a parking space, only for it to turn out to be a cart corral.

   Mr Bean should win the Nobel Peace Prize for recycling...the same lame act for the past 25 years.

   I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors

   Good news guys! Only 17 more days until we can stop hearing about the Olympics!

   I would motorboat you, but the water looks a little shallow.

   I don't drink water, unless it's been through a brewery first.

   I hate it when I remove myself from around people to fart in peace and they follow me right after I have release a big one.

   When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

   Those opening ceremonies were so lame that...no to call it lame would be a compliment.

   Why are you playing video games when I have all this pu$$y?

   All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.

   This chick got mad at me one time because that's what they do.