Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people dream of success, others are awake & work hard at it.

   Best Way to deal with High School Bullies: Grow up to be smarter, richer and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.

   The people who wear Bluetooth headsets always look like the people least likely to ever receive phone calls.

   sometimes when I'm bored I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb..

   There's no better feeling than proving someone wrong.

   Dad: A bird told me you are doing drugs... Boy: You're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?!

   Teacher: Get out a sheet of paper. Student: LOOK AT ME NOW! Teacher: Excuse me? Student: I'm GETTIN' PAPERRRR!

   Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   I bet one of these powerful Olympic women could sit on my face & suck out my fillings with one Kegel....Unnhmmm Hope Solo.

   Am I the only one who thinks this Adalia Rose Bullsh!t needs to end?

   They say love is more important than money. B!tch, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?!

   Husband: Let's try a different position tonight. Wife: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

   Trying to figure out why Japan seems to be doing so well at the swimming in the Olympics... and then like a giant wave crashing down it hit me.

   Whenever someone says to me "You look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I say, "Do you watch porn?"

   When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I'm older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.

   Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. It's just a picture book with women b!tching.

   If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Kool Aid guy.

   I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?