Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My refrigerator beeps for a problem, but it has trouble being more specific... "What's that, little guy? Timmy's fallen down the well?"

   The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is sure, just talk about Passive Aggressive Club all you want... No, It's fine. Go ahead.. I don't mind.. WHATEVER..

   I wish I got as excited to see other humans as my dog gets when he sees other dogs.

   Sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish by using my voice to just sing in the car instead of to save the music industry..

   Hey republican..ssshhhh....you had me at "common sense"

   If I had a dog,, I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" And then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone,, And we'd laugh & laugh & laugh,,,,,

   I know "C.G.I." is getting more and more realistic,,,,, but I can almost always tell if a movie has real dinosaurs or not.

   Nothing angers me more than a prematurely broken shell in my Taco Kit

   I'm not watching the Olympics, but I've seen Cool Runnings, so like, I get it.

   A recent gallop poll shows that horses prefer trotting.

   My voicemail greeting is just me strangling a cat while reading bible passages.

   I'm starting to think the Jackson family might have some problems.

   The two most annoying things on Earth, unibrows and Indian accents.

   Everybody who needed tech support was screwed when they outsourced it to India way before the blackout.

   ''What doesn't kill you makes you smaller!'' -ask Super Mario

   Serious fight has started in Olympics .... as a brazilian girl found her missing hair on a Nigerian Lady

   In sta gram was much more exciting when I thought it was a fast c0caine service.

   A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: 'All we did was correct his eyesight'

   We are all turds in the punch bowl of life.

   Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?" Granny replies, "Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"