Funny Status Messages
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OLYMPIC GYMNAST 2012: Jumps 20 feet in the air, defies all laws of physics, does 10 backflips, defeats voldemort, comes back down and lands perfectly on the balance beam while fireworks go off in the background. ME: I fall on face as I try putting socks 
Running up to him yelling, "I NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING!" is probably a good way to get Steve Perry to sh*t his pants.
it true that ADHD came from some bored guy that screwed a monkey from the 70's?
Did you know that you can quietly be a republican, democrat or liberal?
Dear douch%bag on the street corner yelling that he has more "swag" than anyone else in this city, do please tell me what store accepts "swag".
I stopped by the apple store and used their bathroom .. iPeed
Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poisonous.
I want to cover you in expensive things...like gasoline.
Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poi
I've got the solution to this whole anti-gay mess with the fast foods. I'm just going to open a pro-gay franchise and call it Chik-fil-HAAAAAAY *snap*
Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog....
Cleveland Browns sold for one billions dollars. Wow, the value of the dollar has hit an all time low...
Lets just reveal each other's baggage on the first date and decide whether this romance is even worth pursuing.
My misery loves vodka, and hates company.
They should make the female swimmers wear a tube top & thong then maybe I'd finish before they did.
Confidence is maturbating with the lights on...blinds open...and the door unlocked.
I hope her spirit animal is a spread eagle.
It's fun to confuse people by using common sense.
if you want to make me nervous, tell me that you love me.
Being poor is never a reason to hate the rich. You can learn from them, wish & try to be like them, but envy means you have a rotten soul. 