Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see you speeding up when I'm trying to pass you. Why couldn't you go this fast when I was behind you?

   My girlfriend was looking through my DVD collection. "What's 'Fight Club'? I've never heard of it," she said. It's good to see the system's working.

   When the teacher says you'll be working with partners then adds ''But I'll be assigning them!''

   16 and a Olympian > 16 and Pregnent

   3AM text message ''Hey are you asleep?''....''No I'm scuba diving!''

   Dude, I gave you a pen not a chew toy!

   If the Olympics has taught me anything it's that China may have a population of over 1 billion... but they only have two hair styles.

   $19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

   Dude, she has a Boyfriend! So, soccer has a goalie doesn't mean you can't still score!

   If my Boobs sag any more people are going to think they are nuts!

   Silver for Phelps : ( Someone should have taped a blunt to the other end of the pool, then he would have won the gold.

   Daughter''Dad I am a lesbian!'' Sister ''Me too dad!'' Dad ''Doesn't anyone like guys around here?'' Son ''I do!''

   hahahahahahahahaha=very funy hahahahaha=funny haha=not that funny

   1 tequila, 2 tequila,s 3 tequiklas, 4 teuiqlas, 5 teiuqlsd, 6 teiqulkss, 7 eteiqlas, 8 treqiklasl, 9 travquikas, 10 trewquwtss

   Fire up the bong...Michael Phelps won GOLD!! 19 Medals, 15 of'em GOLD!!

   I hope Adele and Eminem never date, can you imagine what their breakup albums would be like!

   Listen I'm not an alcoholic, they go to meetings...I'm a drunk we go to parties!

   Nothing says ''I'm a fat a$$ like wearing a T-shirt in the pool!

   When you break something at the store and nervously walk away!

   I decorated my bedroom to look like a classroom so I can fall asleep faster!