Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane... ? What were they so excited about?

   Since the UPS guy won't knock on my door like he should, I'm going to put a motion activated taser by the door. When I hear the THUD, I'll go get my package.

   Either I'm seriously drunnk or gas prices are high again.... I just got pulled over by a cop on a horse!

   These XXX Olympics are not what I thought they'd be

   Nothing Screams "You're stuck in friend's Zone" like when she tags you as her brother on FB

   I have yet to be intimidated by fancy wine lists thanks to my vast knowledge of fancy wines and my eeny, meeny, miny moe system!!!

   Some girls should be given a separate web space where domains start from 'AWWW' instead of 'WWW'

   You know your ''OLD'' when your age is higher than the whole Womens Olympic Gymnastic Team!!!

   I was asked if I believed in Astrology! Of course my answer was no us Sagatarians are very skeptical people!!!

   I don't trust joggers! It's just a little too coincidental that they are the ones that find all the dead bodies!!!

   "I apologize for my vauge statuses on Facebook, they were actually about you. Let's handle this like mature human beings instead." - Nobody Ever

   Those womens volleyball uniforms look like what my Uncle Ralph wore to our 4th of July picnic

   Skirts are so short now, the days of mirrors on top of your shoes are gone forever

   gymnists used to look tiny and cute, now they look like they'll kick your @ss in a bar fight

   me watching the olympics making me feel fat

   Santa has elves. America has China.

   We have three types of friends in life: Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.

   No matter how old I get, I think mooning people will always be hilarious.

   My phone dies faster than Chris Brown on stomp the yard.

   Don't text me while I'm in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my whole message.