Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, we men don't ask for much. We're very simple beings. All we want is food, sex, money, and silence. Feed Me, Fu¢k Me, Pay Me, & STFU. That's all!

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.

   There is a US volleyball player named Destiny Hooker. Apparently her parents were wrong.

   Three reasons to stand up: 1. To get the remote 2. To go to the bathroom 3. Because you're the real slim shady

   I'm bored. Let's see, I'll take a pic of me with my dog, then tag it with 97 facebook friends, then watch 'em go cuckoo.

   A famous rapper got high and did something stupid? Well now I've seen everything.

   The women's US gymnastics team is awesome! I have never seen more beautiful floor exercises, high bars or labia majora in my life.

   Sunglasses were invented so you can stare at me while you're with your girlfriend.

   Some people dream of success, others are awake & work hard at it.

   Best Way to deal with High School Bullies: Grow up to be smarter, richer and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.

   The people who wear Bluetooth headsets always look like the people least likely to ever receive phone calls.

   sometimes when I'm bored I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb..

   There's no better feeling than proving someone wrong.

   Dad: A bird told me you are doing drugs... Boy: You're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?!

   Teacher: Get out a sheet of paper. Student: LOOK AT ME NOW! Teacher: Excuse me? Student: I'm GETTIN' PAPERRRR!

   Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   I bet one of these powerful Olympic women could sit on my face & suck out my fillings with one Kegel....Unnhmmm Hope Solo.