Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somebody needs to start a restaurant called "Chick-Fil-Atheist" that's only open on Sunday.

   "The glass is half full" ~ optimist "The glass is half empty" ~ pessimist "That looks delicious" ~ alcoholic

   I am tired of all the jokes making fun of the women gymnast because they have no boobs! They can bend over backwards and do splits, So........... CHECK MATE!

   guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early kill people

   When I came home today I brought in a box of tampons and a package of Tylenol... She told me she's not on her period and she doesn't have a headache. Yup, she was tricked into sex again.

   Since when are chinese people tall and buff?? :O

   Whenever I ask my wife if she has a minute, she thinks it's because I'm horny.

   Full-Moon out tonight which means all the crazy folks are coming out of the woodwork... and for some reason they've chosen me as their leader...

   I met a girl at the bar and she said she wanted to suck on my foot. Had to tell her its not quite that big.

   If you didn't hump Christina Ricci... then you're doing Wednesday wrong.

   my date last night had something between her boobs I never expected to see there - her belly button

   Women are always saying how men judge a girl based on looks. That's actually true. Since all women are crazy, you might as well go for the fit ones.

   I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in. I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?" "Yes honey." "What is it?" "It's the date of our anniversary." Bltch.

   My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it. As he got out. I said, "Nice Car." "Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

   The only thing worse than trying to lose at badminton is trying at badminton.

   That moment when your teacher asks you to read out loud, and you don't know what page they're on.

   Stop with the Chik Fil A jokes... that joke is as stale as your mothers breast milk

   Regardless of your views, you gotta' agree today is a bad day to be a chicken in America

   hope they have a white castle day so I can express how much I hate paying for gas.

   i wanna see Thornton Melon do the Triple Lindy dive....Olympic awesomeness