Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said I have to stop watching Chopped after I packed our son's lunchbox with wild ostrich, candy corn, avocado & rainbow chard.

   The U.S. men's soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics this week,,,,, upsetting nearly 10 Americans.

   You know your getting old when "breaking the seal" means opening a bottle of Ibuprofen

   Biggest disappointment ever: Seeing on the cable guide that The Karate Kid is on, only to scroll over it and find out it's the 2010 version.

   songpop should get rid of modern rap and today's hits. neither have anything with actual music.

   REALLY??.. You're on food stamps and using your IPhone 4 to complain about it on Facebook???.... This is why I sometimes feel like I should give up,,,,, why bother trying??

   If you quit school, just remember these two things... 1: You tried your best, and 2: I don't like pickles on my Big Mac.

   I always keep a gun in my glove box. Not for safety. For making people exit a moving vehicle when they b!tch about me listening to Bob Dylan

   My safe word is: You're doing it wrong, you idiot

   Seeing the physique of the male swimmers in the relay today made me wanna do something. So I sat up, ate ice cream, and cried myself to sleep...

   What if the dryer didnt take a sock, but actually gave us an extra sock - Some stoned dude

   People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

   It's not a problem getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar unless it's while you're drunk and naked in your neighbors kitchen.

   I'm just a Flintstones girl, trying to make it in a Transformers world.

   My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

   Wetting the bed is embarrassing enough as it is. I could do without the laughs from these jerks at Mattress Warehouse

   The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you'd react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

   You can usually tell which people dressed as mascots on the side of the road are only doing it for the money.

   China has really impressed me in the Olympics. They use the same person for every event!

   Get drunk and screw = dating ... Get drunk and argue = married