Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

   I won't lie. I only started drinking coffee after I got too old for cocaine.

   Women are weird and difficult and frustrating but they sure do taste good.

   Today is World Middle Finger Day...use it

   "Thank god that day is over"-- Chikens

   I can summarise the 10 commandments into one: DON'T BE A DOUCHEBAG.

   I wish I were Gilbert Gottfried. He made it big from his only defining talent. The ability to squint for an hour.

   Cuddled up to my girlfriend last night, she said, “Aw you finally chose me over Facebook!” I just didn't have the heart to tell her my battery just died.

   The lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying

   If you ever find yourself wondering if there is someone new in their life, chances are there is.

   G0D must be a vegetarian. He never talks about eating meat...it's always "daily bread" this and "breaking bread" that and "take this bread and eat it to remember me by" etc. What a carb lover he turned out to be.

   ‎"Metrosexuality... Is the end to sexuality as we know it." - Homer Simpson.

   Facebook is comprised of psych0s. 49% make you think that their lives are the most perfect thing ever, and the other 49% make you think that their lives are the worst thing ever. The other 2% are you n' me.

   Oh christ it's Olympic Soccer. If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd take some of my single friends to the bar.

   weed"its something to do ,when there's nothing to do,that makes nothing to do,something to do

   "Bae" = The most annoying word known to man created by some ratchet female that was too lazy to say the whole word "Babe"

   I tried cooking with wine tonight, after five glasses, I forgot why I was even in the kitchen

   I wonder how long it takes a girrafe to vomit!

   On facebook* Hot person status: Just ate lunch. *86 likes 30 comments* .. Average persons status: *today is my birthday! *mom likes this

   People nowadays take pictures, not for memories, but to post them on facebook and get comments.