Funny Status Messages
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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays. 
If we're not supposed to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the fridge?
The Mars Rover reports there are only 167 Starbucks on Mars!
You never see Micael Pelps's father in the stands because he is a dolphin.
Dear Maroon 5: You can borrow my phone as long as you promise never to sing again.
so youre looking for a good guy who will love and respect you, but yet you post half naked pics on your fb? why thats. .thats brilliant!
waiting for the chinese to develope a way for me to order my food online and not have to listen to their crap anymore.
I got a job as a bounty hunter in China. Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!
I married my wife for her looks........just not the ones she's been giving me lately!
How many divorced men does it atke to change a light bulb?......No one knows they never keep the house!
My boyfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's okay, he won't get far. I put a claymore by the door.
What!? High schools with daycare centers!!....Now see what you did MTV by having that 16 & Pregnant mess! I hope you're happy.
SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock.
I don't know what hurts my wrist more, playing volleyball or watching women's volleyball!
It's funny how the Chinese are competing to win back medals they probably made a month ago!
If all else fails in my life I can always become a priest and earn a living through that gig.
some people are like clouds, once they f__K off it becomes a nice day.
Religion is a multi-billion dollar industry and those benefiting financially from it will do everything in their power to keep the con going.
I do not care how old I am. I am going in the bouncy castle!
Olympian's earn their medals every 4yrs........In Afghanistan our servicemen earn their medals every day!!! 