Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel bad for deaf people until I remember Justin Bierber.

   Preferred sexual position depends on your partner's breath; therefore, doggie remains the favorite for morning sex.

   We threw the body in the river. Then he just shrugged and asked if I ordered pizza yet. That's when I knew we were best friends.

   I just took a poop so black, I sent an instagram of it to Kim Kardashian and she asked what team it plays for

   I don't appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying "we OWN you!" to the U.S. team. Let's leave our deficit out of this!

   At restaurants, I'm asked what I want but when I sit & cry for hours, I'm asked to leave. It's like they don't even care that I want.

   Just deleted and blocked the Pope. I don't need him reading my sh!t.

   I like women, but not twitter women. (they have pen!ses)

   The big twist at the end of our lives,, Is that Pluto really was a planet the WHOLE TIME...

   My therapist told me I should take life more seriously. I told him HE should, shmake shmife shmore shmeriously.

   So orphans only have 9 commandments to deal with?

   Some of these actors are so good at playing the bad guy role that when I see them in real life, I just want to punch them in the throat.

   You know you're getting old, when you pull a non-existent abdominal muscle playing Wii golf…

   The PAST is real easy to bring into the FUTURE, the real challenge is keeping the past PAST!!

   Guys before you start thinking lesser of yourselves and thinking women are to be worshiped remember that without your rib she wouldn't exist.

   Do you know what I hate about this country?...Larry the Cable Guy.

   I keep it real like a bad magician.

   nothing makes me forget something faster than your reminder.

   just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one...

   Former Olympic Skater Nancy Kerrigan was arrested today on a DUI.....She blew 8.6, 7.8, 5.6, 6.7 and the cop.