Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not a problem getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar unless it's while you're drunk and naked in your neighbors kitchen.

   I'm just a Flintstones girl, trying to make it in a Transformers world.

   My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

   Wetting the bed is embarrassing enough as it is. I could do without the laughs from these jerks at Mattress Warehouse

   The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you'd react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

   You can usually tell which people dressed as mascots on the side of the road are only doing it for the money.

   China has really impressed me in the Olympics. They use the same person for every event!

   Get drunk and screw = dating ... Get drunk and argue = married

   All I wanna know is how the hell do you bring the lactose intolerant boys to the yard!?!?

   I always wanna take the waitress home with me and give her a tip there.

   Screw YOLO! Give me a ROLO!!!

   I'm such a maverick. I refuse to make Sun tea. I'm making Moon tea, and let me tell you...that $hit's been on the back porch for 8 years and it STILL ain't done.

   My Level Of Maturity Changes Depending On Who I'm With

   Scientists finally discovered how an elephant trumpets. Maybe now they can get back to curing cancer…

   they say dogs and owners look alike.. is that why Obamas dog is sportin a fro and is black an white?

   I bet women's trust issues with men started with a weatherman.

   When I set the bar too high, I just go under it.

   If I had a hammer, I'd most likely b!tch about my lack of nails.

   Don't stare at me during sex! I don't know you!

   I like you so let's get this nightmare they call a relationship started.