Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even when gymnasts screw up there is a line of people to hug them, lie to them & say "nice job". I wish I had that.

   She cheerfully asked me "where were you all my life?" So I honestly told her "hiding in your bathroom" and now I have a restraining order

   My new puppy is acting like all my ex's. She just sits by the door whining to be let out.

   You ask my name like you really want to remember it for the police report.

   Your Sunday morning bible lesson :And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."....... But John came fifth and won a toaster.

   I'm watching Olympics Women's Basketball. The USA is slaughtering China. I mean, the Chinese are so polite, they just hand the ball to the Americans, and say, "Go ahead! You make score!"

   Stay away from a place called, "Farm Fresh Restaurant". I ordered the chicken soup. A rooster walked up and teabagged his ball$ in a hot bowl of water at my table.

   Even in the Olympics, women's basketball is unwatchable.

   Played “Big Pimpin” when I saw the Jay-Z's at Toy R Us yesterday. It was worth the a$$ whipping!!

   I hate it when subway picks the crappiest sub for their "$5 sub of the month"

   OMG. A real girl in real life just tried to talk to me. I didn't know what to say, so I asked her what her zodiac sign was. That's good, right?

   My good morals are in my other pants.

   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

   Ending sentences with prepositions is not something I have a problem with.

   Sex is awesome as long as you don't accidenatlly catch or create anything.

   If you're happy and you know it go share that bullsh!t on facebook.

   I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

   If these were Biblical times, instead of flogging Jesus they woulda forced him to watch "Jersey Shore" in it's entirety

   I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.

   Ladies, please. Get a hold of yourselves. There's enough of me to disappoint all of you.