Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

   I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.

   Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it happened during a tragic accident. Regardless, stop staring, it's rude.

   Some feelings are hard to express, you just feel them.

   Katy Perry rebounding from Russell Brand with John Mayer is like washing your mouth out with cat p!ss.

   Ladies, that guy you hate is now doing some chick that will take every cent he has if that makes you feel better.

   "Any last requests?" I say..... The eclair stands blindfolded,,,, coolly smoking his final cigarette. "Yeah," Flick. "Eat-me."

   I'm not sure I did myself any favours when I shouted "Take it like a man!" during an@l sex with my girlfriend last night.

   "Does this suicide bomb vest make me look fat?" ~ G@y Terrorist.

   I've been desperate, but never "I'm all out of bullets so I'll throw the gun at you" desperate.

   I love wanking in the shower but I've been told that if I do it again, they're gonna revoke my gym membership.

   You never really know somebody till they catch you winking at their fiancèe

   Things happen for no reason. This is why people invent gods.

   The Divorce Judge told me I had to give my ex-wfie a vehicle, so I just Fed-Ex'd her an old broom...

   Nobody at work will play bloody knuckles with me. I swear we've raised a nation of pansies. Now where's my latte and hot rock masseuse?

   a guy at work has the whispering skills of Samuel L. Jackson.

   I could never find it in my heart to kill another person, but I've entertained the thought of dancing on a grave or two.

   Let's observe a moment of silence for all the black women who don't have a Q or an apostrophe in their first name.

   I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

   Can't wait to buy Randy Travis's new album "Down and Loaded"with the hit single "Pants On The Ground"