Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3326 of 6446

The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
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08-09-2012 09:59 by flinnie
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I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.
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08-09-2012 09:53 by flinnie
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Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it happened during a tragic accident. Regardless, stop staring, it's rude.
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08-09-2012 09:51 by flinnie
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Some feelings are hard to express, you just feel them.
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08-09-2012 09:49 by BEGO
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Katy Perry rebounding from Russell Brand with John Mayer is like washing your mouth out with cat p!ss.
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08-09-2012 09:40
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Ladies, that guy you hate is now doing some chick that will take every cent he has if that makes you feel better.
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08-09-2012 09:36
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"Any last requests?" I say..... The eclair stands blindfolded,,,, coolly smoking his final cigarette. "Yeah," Flick. "Eat-me."
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08-09-2012 09:14 by snotty
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I'm not sure I did myself any favours when I shouted "Take it like a man!" during an@l sex with my girlfriend last night.
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08-09-2012 09:02
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"Does this suicide bomb vest make me look fat?" ~ G@y Terrorist.
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08-09-2012 08:58
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I've been desperate, but never "I'm all out of bullets so I'll throw the gun at you" desperate.
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08-09-2012 08:55
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I love wanking in the shower but I've been told that if I do it again, they're gonna revoke my gym membership.
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08-09-2012 08:53
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You never really know somebody till they catch you winking at their fiancèe
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08-09-2012 08:20
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Things happen for no reason. This is why people invent gods.
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08-09-2012 08:18
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The Divorce Judge told me I had to give my ex-wfie a vehicle, so I just Fed-Ex'd her an old broom...
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08-09-2012 08:12 by SEAN
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Nobody at work will play bloody knuckles with me. I swear we've raised a nation of pansies. Now where's my latte and hot rock masseuse?

a guy at work has the whispering skills of Samuel L. Jackson.

I could never find it in my heart to kill another person, but I've entertained the thought of dancing on a grave or two.

Let's observe a moment of silence for all the black women who don't have a Q or an apostrophe in their first name.

I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

Can't wait to buy Randy Travis's new album "Down and Loaded"with the hit single "Pants On The Ground"