Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 09:59 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 09:53 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it happened during a tragic accident. Regardless, stop staring, it's rude.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 09:51 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some feelings are hard to express, you just feel them.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 09:49 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon Katy Perry rebounding from Russell Brand with John Mayer is like washing your mouth out with cat p!ss.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ladies, that guy you hate is now doing some chick that will take every cent he has if that makes you feel better.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 09:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Any last requests?" I say..... The eclair stands blindfolded,,,, coolly smoking his final cigarette. "Yeah," Flick. "Eat-me."
←Rate | 08-09-2012 09:14 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not sure I did myself any favours when I shouted "Take it like a man!" during an@l sex with my girlfriend last night.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 09:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Does this suicide bomb vest make me look fat?" ~ G@y Terrorist.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 08:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've been desperate, but never "I'm all out of bullets so I'll throw the gun at you" desperate.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 08:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love wanking in the shower but I've been told that if I do it again, they're gonna revoke my gym membership.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 08:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You never really know somebody till they catch you winking at their fiancèe
←Rate | 08-09-2012 08:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Things happen for no reason. This is why people invent gods.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 08:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Divorce Judge told me I had to give my ex-wfie a vehicle, so I just Fed-Ex'd her an old broom...
←Rate | 08-09-2012 08:12 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nobody at work will play bloody knuckles with me. I swear we've raised a nation of pansies. Now where's my latte and hot rock masseuse?
←Rate | 08-09-2012 07:42 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon a guy at work has the whispering skills of Samuel L. Jackson.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 07:41 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon I could never find it in my heart to kill another person, but I've entertained the thought of dancing on a grave or two.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 07:40 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let's observe a moment of silence for all the black women who don't have a Q or an apostrophe in their first name.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 07:38 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food
←Rate | 08-09-2012 07:37 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can't wait to buy Randy Travis's new album "Down and Loaded"with the hit single "Pants On The Ground"
←Rate | 08-09-2012 01:05 by @gnarleycharley Comments (0)  




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