Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That fantasy or religious belief you find so ridiculous might be the only thing giving someone enough strength to avoid suicide.

   I don't understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there's so heavy.

   It must be awkward when a plumber's crack gets blocked.

   Dating was never my strong point because I've always been really good at getting laid.

   Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say...."Jake, from State Farm!"

   after watching final destination....if a lighter falls down , i'm like " OMG...NOW THE LIGHTER'S GONNA SET THE ENTIRE HOUSE ON FIRE 'CUZ THE GAS IS LEAKING SUMHOW AND ALL MY EXITS ARE LOCKED !!!!.."....

   In a bizarre turn of events, erectile dysfunction cases are on the rise.

   I wish I loved anything as much as people in yogurt commercials love eating yogurt.

   Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Samuel Adams and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.

   tried ziplining last night. absolutely amazing. what's even more amazing is the fact I still had clean underwear when it was over.

   Lost my brain.. If you find it please dont contact me. I am Happy!!

   dont act like you've never passed out in the middle of the street in roller blades

   Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.

   Got a shopping cart without a f*up wheel. Ballin!!!

   Notice you don't hear about,"Kony" anymore? Glad everyone cared for like, five minutes.

   feeling like it might be a randy travis kind of weekend...

   Nothing more awkward then being 10 minutes into a porno and realizing there's no girls in it...

   "Where were you,, on the night of November-to-April?" - Alaskan Prosecutor.

   My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep

   This Ethiopian Athlete can totaly beat Usain Bolt in a sprint race if you put food on the finish line..