Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.

   It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.

   Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.

   It's really very simple; I will love you unconditionally as long as you just do everything I say.

   You have no idea how hard it is to find three legged skinny jeans.

   Sometimes pretending to be busy takes more effort than being busy.

   Can't afford anti-depressants so I'm just drinking No More Tears® shampoo.

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.

   I really can't walk the walk or talk the talk but if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.

   If it wasn't for Yahoo Answers, there's no way I could know this numb black foot was just a headache.

   I was just reading the obituaries there a some good houses coming on the market soon

   Oasis? Spice Girls? Fatboy Slim? I think the music director for the Olympics closing ceremony got ahold of my MP3 player from when I was in college 11 years ago.

   And now Keith Richards coughs on the Olympic cauldron... snuffing it.. forever.

   When a married couple stops having sex, at first they complain about it...but after awhile y'all get used to it. She walks out of the shower and you don't even look...because you know there is nothing there for you.

   If Facebook were an Olympic sport i'd be on the cover of a Wheatie's box.

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog... The dog gets it.

   If you're 13 & under & have a Facebook, that's cheating. You gotta start from Myspace —-> Twitter —-> Facebook. Just like everybody else.

   Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!

   America, a country where people spend half of their money on food, and the other half on losing weight.

   Damn! Freddie Mercury has never looked better!!