Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back into the ocean so he can be in his natural habitat

   Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter.

   I think the worst part about stubbing your toe is knowing a few seconds later the pain will come.

   Just got an X-ray at the hospital and tried to crack on to the chick doing it........she could see right through me though :(

   I always wonder what the weather men in Arizona do with their time slot. "Well people all week, hot and no rain!" Back to you Jim.

   To avoid identity theft when I die, I want to be shredded.

   One of my buddies on facebook "liked" the movie 8 seconds. It said on facebook that "Dave likes 8 seconds." I bet his wife doesn't.

   If I let you control the music in my car, it means I would probably take a bullet for you.

   Reading some of the crap on Facebook makes me want to go watch an R rated movie just because I know whiny children won't be there.

   GOVERNMENT.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot America? (Y/N)?

   can't understand why Victoria's Secret incorrectly refers to these "wine-drinking, recliner pants" I'm wearing as "yoga pants."

   I heard a guy complaining how expensive his wedding is costing him. Boy, he is gonna be real pist when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost

   You never forget the first time you learned what a PROLAPSE is. Damn you, Google images.

   I feel sorry for men who don't know how to value women. One look at a woman and I KNOW how much she will cost me.

   Why does Cheaters need a camera crew of 600?

   When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   No matter how much you shake & dance, the last few drop fall in your pants

   Oh, the things I do for love...like lie to the police concerning my whereabouts the night of August 4th...

   Just as I suspected! Monday suxs!!!!

   Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they're about to take a picture?