Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sister just texted me that she’s pregnant… I’m gonna be a dad!

   Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

   If you wear two swim suits you can pee in the pool this summer-Dr.Fauchi

   Wife woke up this morning and said she heard running water in her ears... I told her she may have a creek in her neck.

   When life hands you Don Lemon, change the channel.

   Gonna see my therapist tomorrow, want anything?

   Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

   Wine gets better with age. That’s why it’s always better by the time you pour the fourth glass.

   A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

   If you’re reading this, un-banana your spine.

   If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

   the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

   Cat scratch covid fever!

   When are we gonna snap on these blakk cokksuckers?

   Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s YOUR day, ruin it yourself.

   I'm starting to worry that I can't stab someone in front of a cop without getting shot

   Why can't the women on Price is Right wear thongs and a bikini top? The dudes go topless at times...

   Where was that joke Al sharpton and his crews masks at? And who was they praying to? I'm positive it was the God everyone else believes in!

   I would love to see things your way, but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my butt.