Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My most endearing quality would have to be knowing all the lyrics to Smash Mouth's "All Star"

   Liam Neeson: "I will find you and I will kill you." Kid: "Dad it's just hide-n-go-seek!" Liam Neeson: "Right. Sorry."

   Dear eyelashes, wish bones, dandelions, pennies in fountains, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles. YOU FAILED.

   Women....why does your purse need a seat of it's own?

   I like to zumba but usually its only because I'm either trying to put on my socks, tie my shoes, or put on my underwear!

   Mature content. Blood, intense violence, and strong language. Like a woman on her period.

   Not to be vague, but stuff and things.

   I believe in evolution by natural selection. But I have one big problem with it. Its not fast enough and there are too many safeguards in place not to let nature do its thing.

   I'm at my best when no one is around.

   I'm so hungry I could drink 5 more beers.

   I just got flipped off from a guy in a smart car. I didnt know if I should be mad or laugh.

   I was angry when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it

   I should not be punished for you being stupid

   When my kids look back on the photos of my life they'll think, "Wow, he wore that shirt a lot."

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"

   Unless you're a dog, you shouldn't be that excited to see me.

   One nicely manicured pu$$y is worth two in the bush.

   You had me at 'gender realignment scars'.

   I had a star named for you. Now everyone can look up in the sky and say "look, there's the Tremendous Ass!".

   I am so sorry they can't dislodge my stress ball from your ass :(