Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they're being an ass.

   Whenever a woman calls me "dude" I immediately assume she is a lesbian.

   The beauty of Google is that you can stop annoying people with your stupid questions.

   She's teaching me wine appreciation which is cool, but I'd really appreciate a bigger glass.

   Yeah he is soldier built for the COKE VS PEPSI war.

   This rapper Pitbull says he was built for the war but I don't think he means active service, he's a soldier like Beyonce.

   I'd give you a compliment but you'd just tell me how fat you think you are.

   My dog just growled back at my rumbling stomach. We have reached a new level of communication.

   3. That's how many times you have to ask someone if they're grumpy before they get grumpy.

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There's no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.

   I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.

   has anyone noticed how the sun makes ones hair colour lighter but skin colour darker?!?

   Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.

   If you come to my front door with a clip board I will just ask you if your clip board is an ipad until you leave.

   Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

   I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

   I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.

   They are making a new pirates of the carribean. It's called "Pirates of the Carribean - Curse of We Still Don't Know What the Hell This Movie Is About"

   There's a squirrel on my roof,,, or this new blood pressure medicine is too strong...