Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For the first time in history a chinese product has come up with a one year warranty.......MISS WORLD 2012 is Miss China, who will hold the tag for at least an year

   I like my women like I like my glasses, sitting on my face

   My girlfriend came in while I was watching the football highlights she said, "Awww, is this the Paralympics?" I said, "No, it's Dallas Cowboys."

   I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning and said "It's a bit late for you Kathy, isn't it ?". She said "I couldn't sleep". I said "That's not what I meant, you fat b*tch"....

   If you're constantly posting “loving my life!” as your Facebook status, you're probably not.

   How embarrassing would it be if Facebook automatically updated statuses to what you where doing. “Billy is alone in his room.”

   that I have been married for 21 years andwe have had $ex almost everyday....almost Monday,almost Tuesday,almost Wednesday.....

   If you have time to update your status after your wedding, you're doing it wrong.

   Where is the button to restart summer?

   Sometimes, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.

   Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram sometimes make me forget I have text messages.

   LIKE if you know what this means… Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A.

   Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry. They tease each other, knock down each other irritate each other but can't live without each other.

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   Todays Generation – “omg my parents never let me have nything.” via iPhone

   You know that you work too much when you count hours off and not days off.

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she has been on more wieners than heinz ketchup

   fall in love with a person for their brains and not their looks. Eh, save that sh!t for ugly people

   I don't feel so bad about not having an up to date phone. I just saw a woman jogging past my house carrying a Walkman.

   Can someone help me, I can't remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for seabiscuit?