Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, I have an idea. Instead of complaining about your auto-correct every day, how about going into your settings & turning it off?

   The older I get the more freaky and weird the sex has to be for me to get off. Someday you're gonna have to smack my clit with a shovel.

   We only stalk the ones we love.

   I seriously need to get out of the house. Unless some generous woman with alcohol is coming over for sex. In that case I seriously need to stay home.

   Your problem is not my problem even if your problem is me.

   What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep.... And Helium just brings it back to normal?

   Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.

   Republican convention next week.... Hurricane Isaac is predicted to hit Florida next week.... Even Mother Nature doesn't like Republicans.

   (o_o) dat wierd feeling you get when you take a sit and it is still warm coz some jus got up from it... *very discomforing*

   they did an MRI of my brain.....they found nothing.

   Its cute when a slut demands respect. B!tch the only thing your are getting is an STD.

   I wish STD's on all people who still say YOLO.

   I rarely slip and fall, but when I do, I do it in front of a lot of people.

   Does Roseetta Stone work? I want to learn to speak Mexican!

   ....Nothing says "F@#K YOU" better than "your call has been forwarded to automatic voice message center"

   When I was young, I had to walk all the way to the TV to change the channels.

   I'm not certain, exactly, when I became "old". But, I've narrowed it down to sometime between 1988 and last night, when I noticed Song Pop classify "Guns 'n Roses" as "Classic Rock"

   It's 2012. We're supposed to have flying cars and stuff. But no... Just pajamas that look like jeans.

   I swear ugly people find love faster.

   If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic