SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   If I seem disinterested it's only because I'm a terrible actor.

   Paula Deen selling Diabetes Drugs is like Courtney Love selling methadone.

   Wait a minute. I'm supposed to believe God is on the side of the quarterback NOT married to Gisele?

   Shouldn't a "landing strip" actually be NO hair in the middle with hair to the sides?

   I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   Someone puked on my sister's front steps last night. Signs pointing to me. Looking for clues.

   "Um...I'm getting paid overtime for this, right?" --my liver

   Maybe my microwave is leaking radiation, but I could swear Orville Redenbacher just asked me if I can keep a secret from my mommy and daddy.

   You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn't stolen.

   Eventually gravity lowers every woman's standards.

   The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn't enough motivation to get off the couch.

   Just farted in CVS. I basically can't be tamed.

   Guys, don't put a smiley face in your texts to other guys. It's like wiping standing up. You learned it wrong.

   Just did that thing where you dump an entire pot of spaghetti on your head and start crying.

   My daddy didn't come to my play in 2nd grade so now I do MMA.

   Thanks, Phillips Colon Health Lady, for proving there's no need for a healthy diet if we can just eat crap & take a pill.

   Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey's kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey's kisses? I'll keep testing.

   Taco Bell put Fritos in a burrito. See, you can eat healthy at a fast food place.

   People who bring their own bags to the grocery store always look like they're waiting for applause.

   I like hearing how actors shouldn't have political opinions from people who worship Ronald Reagan.