SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I'm not a fan of stupid conspiracy theories, but I'm fully aware that Governments slow down time on weekdays & speed it up on weekends.

   Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.

   Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.

   Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

   Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.

   What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house?

   I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch

   I love deer season, Especially when I am driving alone in my Blazer , it's amazing how fast I purposely turn into a Comacazi pilot when I see a deer in the middle of the road-

   Satan came to me today and asked if he frieghtened me, I said no- not in the least bit, I said I used to be married to your sister...

   Had dinner with a girl tonight! Ok so maybe she was on the tv, but we were eating at the same time so I'm counting it.

   My ex offered me a ride to the appointment, I declined and politely told her that I didn't think we would both fit on her broom...

   4 shots of 5 hour energy this morning, not only do I look like I have Parkinsons, but I can actually see sound waves resonating when people talk to me.

   When a cop pulls you over for doing 32 in a 30, I dont advise calling him a Nazi, unless you are looking for 3 square meals a day and a shower, fml

   I hate when people see me at the super market & the're like "Hey what you doing here?" & I'm just like "Oh you know hunting zebras"

   I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

   I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.

   Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

   Going to watch the True Blood finale now. After watching the Tea Party debate, I need to experience something closer to reality

   Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind

   Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself