Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I'll give it back for Christmas.

   Someday, I'll get out of this sh!tty relationship I'm in and meet a woman who loves me for who I am and start a sh!tty relationship with her instead.

   After all these years of jacking off a hand job from a girl just doesn't cut it. I need a dry rough man hand to get the job done.

   Hey like if you remember pressing the power button turning the tv off and playing outside having a awesome childhood.

   Dear lady who says she will only date guys who drive Mercedes or BMW cars, yet your father drives a Hyundai; Why can't you be humble like your mother?

   Just updated my resume. Hobbies section now includes: "Currently tied with Lance Armstrong in Tour de France victories."

   Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, but I think being the first man to walk on the Moon is an amazing achievement. They can never take that away from him...

   After relationships with Russell Brand and John Mayer, Katy Perry should just ask Magic Johnson to spit in her mouth.

   Since you've turned this fairy tale marriage into a horror film, I'll be in the kitchen getting some knives.

   If at least one ex hasn't called you psycho, you aren't living life to the fullest.

   My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won't eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won't use his skull as a cup.

   I want to be flabbergasted by something other than ignorance.

   .the world does not revolve around you, it revolves around the sun...which shines out my ass.

   Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I'll settle for some bacon.

   I'm single by choice. Not my choice. Women's choice.

   Alcohol is never the solution to your problems! But since we're not looking for any solutions but more problems, lets get drunk!

   If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me 80s dancing in my car I could afford to tint these windows.

   Angry sex is awesome, but I wouldn't recommend oral till the makeup sex

   Coffee is like an engine starter; you might be powerful, but even a jet engine needs a starter.

   The only time I can't hold my liquor is when I have a bong in one hand and a lighter in the other.