Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Working on my hurricane prep list. Heineken's, Cigarette's, Red Cross phone number. All done!

   I'm no zombie, but I do like brain ; )

   Dos Equis: Death once had a "near him" experience.

   Rep. Todd Akin has decided to stay in the race. Is that really surprising - a guy who knows so little about the female body, doesn't know when to pull out?

   For those of you who don't know me, we haven't met yet.

   I wonder if that guy that got "mind strangled" on the Death Star ever reported Darth Vader to HR.

   Soft p0rn didn't die. It just mutated into pop music videos.

   Call me paranoid but I don't trust brown towels.

   When I get a prescription for drugs, I don't ask, 'Will it work? Are there any side effects?' No, it's 'Can I drink with these?'

   Why do we call it passing gas? Who are we passing it to? Let's just call it offering up a preview of our pending crap.

   I'm sorry. You need a favor? You know I'd consider it if I weren't so inconsiderate.

   It's not arrogance if I say it isn't

   I have absolutely no problem telling my boss to go screw himself when he isn't here.

   I mean this is the nicest possible way...~ someone who is about to make you swallow every anti-depressant in your house.

   I just saw Taylor Swift so I said "Hey Taylor, guys are a$$holes & relationships suck!". Long story short, I'm featuring in her next album.

   Next time you're sad remember there are many things you should be thankful about. For example, that you're not Khloe Kardashian's mirror.

   i have too many feelings for someone not in a relationship.

   It's not a walk of shame if you moonwalk through it.

   Where I am from, if I was "16 And Pregnant" I'd get an ass beating not a TV show.

   I can tell by the way you give me instructions that you've dealt with a lot of dumb people before me.