Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.

   Cool things always happen when I don't have a camera.

   All my friends are getting jobs, engaged, or married. I'm just getting more awesome.

   why are they called bag ladies, they always have carts

   All through their lives while raising my kids, I consistently told them that when they grow up they should “do what you love.” I probably should have also mentioned that they should run like hell as soon as they heard the sirens.

   All status updates posted on my wall are purely fictional any resemblance to actual people, places or events is purely coincidental.

   My aunt, a widow, who had 18 kids just died. At the service, the preacher said, "They're finally together." He didn't mean her husband, he meant her legs.

   Here's a shout out to all my friends that like shout outs!

   I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

   Relax! It's a midget, not a child - Me, showing my favourite home made p0rno to my new girlfriend.

   I'm always surprised how quickly "you're so funny" turns into "everything is a joke to you." (usually about 3 months)

   I will no longer need your services REAL LIFE...I Now have MineCraft!

   I just had sober sex. That was horrifying

   How do you say, 'I don't want to go out with you because I have a mad crush on someone that lives in my phone' without sounding crazy?

   You're the only thing that doesn't make sense in my life.

   A perfect day is everyday I'm spending my life without you.

   When I hear a girl speak German, I automatically think she's a lesbian

   There are two types of girls; girls who are fat and girls who think they are fat.

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get, your already hard to want.....

   Having sex is easy. Getting the girl to not call the cops is the real challenge.